


The Official Wayne Family Notice Board

by theragingstorm



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Batdad, Canon Characters of Color, Domestic, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, I'm taking the good things from each canon and putting them together, LGBT+ Characters, LGBT+ themes, Latina Selina Kyle, Latino Jason Todd, M/M, Mostly Gen, Multi, New 52/Preboot crossover, The batkids are all little shits, What else is new, batfamily, while ignoring the stupid shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8660653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theragingstorm/pseuds/theragingstorm
Summary: Rules, requests, complaints, questions, and some very long stories behind each one. AKA what happens when you have a house full of bored vigilante kids with a propensity for making everyone's lives more difficult.





	1. Chapter 1

  * From now on, all complaints, requests, and new rules shall be written down and attached to this board so I, Bruce Wayne, may attempt to create a little more order in this home. None of you get a vote as to which rules I decide on. No, not even you, Damian. Alfred does have veto power, but only for the most dire of situations. But may I state for the record that this was my children's idea, not mine _(Edit: It was MY idea -Dick) (Edit: No, it was mine -Tim) (Edit: NO IT WAS MINE, STOP TAKING CREDIT FOR MY IDEAS -Babs)_. I can only hope that this works.



 

  * The Teen Titans are no longer allowed to babysit Damian here at the manor (final count of things broken: a Ming vase, Titus' carrier, a teapot, three teacups, the Swarovski chandelier, the mahogany coffee table, Garfield Logan's pride).



 

  * No caffeinated drinks allowed between the hours of midnight and 3:00 a.m. (Tim, if you're wondering if this is for you, it is). 



 

  * No one is to "glitterfy" any of their siblings' uniforms.



 

  * If you accidentally bleed on the antique furniture, please INFORM ME before Alfred finds out on his own. No matter how much you hate it when I'm displeased, you will hate it much more when Alfred finds out you gave him extra cleaning to do.



 

  * Jason, stop eating the last of Damian's cookies, even if his angry expressions are "pretty fucking funny."



 

  * Jason, stop eating the last of Dick's cereal.



 

  * Jason, if you're going to eat everyone's food, you could at least occasionally help with the grocery shopping.



 

  * _If Jason eats my waffles, I'm gonna shove a batarang up his ass. -Steph (Edit: It wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've had up my ass. -Jason)_



 

  * Please stop referring to all the things you have all shoved up your orifices during sex. Or at the very least, stop doing it during meals.



 

  * "[insert sibling here] dared me" is not, and never has been, a valid excuse. 



 

  * No one is allowed to bring weapons to Monopoly games.



 

  * Or poker games.



 

  * Or Uno games.



 

  * Or Settlers of Catan games.



 

  * Settlers of Catan is now banned from Wayne Manor. I hope you all realize that you're going to have to pay for the broken windows yourselves.



 

  * Whoever keeps allowing Bat-Cow to roam the areas of the Bat-Cave where people step right after she eats is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Tim is grounded.



 

  * Damian, your pets are not you, and should not be sent to any Titans meetings in your place, no matter how much Garfield preferred their company to yours.



 

  * Cymbals are not allowed within fifty feet of manor grounds.



 

  * "That's bullshit" is not a good enough reason to disobey orders.



 

  * Inability to pause online games is not a good enough reason for skipping patrol.



 

  * _If those of you who are not me or Dick keep going into the Clock Tower after eight p.m. to ask for tech advice, I'm not going to stop you, but don't say I didn't warn you. -Babs_



 

  * No one is allowed to put itching powder in Kate's suit.



 

  * Dick, stop referring to the Bat-Cave as "Bruce's Man Cave" while out in public. The rest of you, stop encouraging him.



 

  * Tim, you are not "gay coffee Jesus." Please get some sleep.



 

  * To my sons: stop having Monster-drinking contests in the middle of the night. To my daughter: stop volunteering to be the referee. (Cass, I expected better from you. The rest of you...I suppose I should've seen this coming.) 



 

  * No one is allowed to draw Sharpie eyebrows on Jason's helmet. Or smiley faces. I don't care if "the last thing his enemies should see is a friendly smile."



 

  * None of this raps or hip-hoppy or whatever-you-call-it music in the Bat-Cave. _(Edit: Oh my god, is he ALWAYS this white? -Duke) (Edit: Yes. -Cass)_



 

  * Duke, why do you need to put butter on your skin and grease on your hair? Next time, just let me take you to the grocery store.



 

  * _Never let Bruce go shopping for ANY sort of cosmetics with you that isn't used by the Whites™. -Dick_



 

  * _Can anyone explain to me what is a..."meme?" -Damian_



 

  * Raven Roth is not a viable substitute for the Manor's security system.



 

  * List of current significant others no longer allowed at Thanksgiving meals: Koriand'r (because of the "traditional Tamaranean dishes and subsequent food poisoning" incident), Kon-El/Conner Kent (because of the "laser turkey" incident), and Roy Harper (because he's Roy Harper). 



 

  * Jason is not allowed to shoot people's phones. No, not even after they sleep through their seventh consecutive alarm.



 

  * Whoever keeps buying Dick yoga pants, please stop. They're a size too small, and Barbara's already crashed her wheelchair five times.



 

  * Tim and Damian are not allowed to buy dolls of each others' superhero identities, because they keep using them as pincushions. In front of each other. With a disturbing amount of glee.



 

  * NO ONE (but ESPECIALLY not Jason, Steph, and Damian) is permitted to have a "Zombie Party" for their birthday.



 

  * Stop singing "It's A Hard-Knock Life" when Alfred makes you do your chores. Just because you're all rich now doesn't mean you can be spoiled. Or at least, spoiled any more.



 

  * Steph is not allowed to bring her iPod with her to fight crime. Villains don't need to be treated to your rendition of "Fergilicious," Steph. _(Edit: But I do it so well...-Steph)_



 

  * Dick and Steph are not allowed to sing duets of pop songs while they fight crime. _(Edit: Are you kidding!? Our "Call Me Maybe" was a CLASSIC. -Dick) (Your butt-swinging during the chorus was a little over the top, though. -Steph)_



 

  * _Bruce, you do realize that Jason sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" while he's on the job and times it so that he can go "Mama, just killed a man" right after he ACTUALLY kills a man? -Steph_



 

  * Fine, now NOBODY'S allowed to sing on patrol. Are you all happy!?



 

  * _Seriously, what is a meme? -Damian_




	2. Chapter 2

  *  From now on, the only people allowed to tell others about what it was like in a certain superhero team are the people who were ACTUALLY ON THAT TEAM. Jason, you have got to STOP implying that Titans Tower was the source of multiple mass orgies. _(Edit: Wait, was it!? -Steph) (Edit: WE WERE FIFTEEN -Dick) (Edit: That's not a no... -Jason)_



 

  * Stick to your scripts during press conferences. Please...just...please.



 

  * I understand that she has a lot of issues to work out, but could you all stop inviting Harley Quinn over to shoot Joker-shaped target boards? She keeps eating all our leftovers and spilling Selina's nail polish on the carpets.



 

  * Damian is not allowed to eat peanut butter unless it's in a sandwich that someone made for him. He's especially not allowed to eat it if the peanut butter in question belongs to Tim.



 

  * While I admit that the backpack leashes are useful in private, Tim should not use them on Damian in public because it makes us look like a bad family. _(Edit: Oh boy, do I got news for you... -Tim)_



 

  * The next person who hotwires the Batmobile and takes it for a joyride is going to Diana's Wonder Sidekick Boot Camp.



 

  * I appreciate the sentiment behind replacing Jason's bullets with little slips of paper that read "violence is not the answer," but he does not, so stop.



 

  * Steph, there is no such thing as a "Batman discount" at Starbucks.



 

  * There is also no such thing as a "Batman discount" at the Iceberg Lounge (most of you aren't even old enough to drink!).



 

  * Patrol is not "let's gossip about which of the Rogues are dating each other" time.



 

  * Die Hard is not an acceptable Christmas movie to watch with Lian Harper.



 

  * _What does Bruce know about what's acceptable for kids? He made ten-year-olds fight the Joker. -Kate (Edit: OOOOOOOH SNAP -Jason)_



 

  * Kate, when you have kids, you'll understand. _(Edit: Nah, I'm happy being the fun lesbian aunt. For one thing, nobody ever rebels against their fun lesbian aunt. -Kate)_



 

  * Dick, if you're going to perform ridiculous acrobatic stunts in the living room while trying to get "the perfect selfie," you could at least stop roping your unwilling siblings into them (literally).



 

  * Dick, don't you think there's a better time to take selfies than when Jason's going to jail (again)?



 

  * Jason, there are better reasons to start bar fights than "those assholes insulted 'Pride and Prejudice'." _(Edit: No there aren't. -Jason)_



 

  * Nobody is allowed to hack the DMV's records just because they don't like their driver's license photo.



 

  * Nobody is allowed to hack City Hall's records just because "their information on us is absolute and total fucking bullshit."



 

  * Nobody is allowed to gossip about their siblings in other languages (especially if they're right in front of you and are fluent in said languages).



 

  * No prank-calling Arkham Asylum. Ever. Just don't do it.



 

  * Tim is not allowed to rig the Batcomputer to play the Imperial March from Star Wars every time I walk into the Cave (Barbara, I apologize for thinking that was you).



 

  * _Hey Cass, Miss Unparalleled Body Language Reader, when you said "hips don't lie" at lunch today, were you being serious or were you screwing with us? -Steph (Edit: Maybe tonight you should ask my hips -Cass)  
_



  * _I have an idea: what if we all added glitter bombs to our weapons arsenal? -Steph_



 

  * Glitter bombs are not, and are never going to be, a part of our weapons arsenal.



 

  * Attempts to tell Koriand'r and Dinah Lance to "put on more clothes" when it's cold out will inevitably be misconstrued, so for the sake of your face, limbs, and eardrums, don't do it.



 

  * Don't touch Tim's coffee if you value your life.



 

  * _If you all don't stop debating my hair color between "blood orange" and "fucking red" I'm going to change the Wi-Fi password again. -Babs_



 

  * Whoever convinced Damian that the disembodied voice on the subway was a monster hiding under the tracks is preemptively grounded. 



 

  * Harper is grounded.



 

  * Jason, for the love of god, stop leaving guns in empty Pop-Tart boxes. The rest of you, the lack of Pop-Tarts is not more important than the presence of a gun.



 

  * Okay, who the hell took Tim to see Moana, because he hasn't stopped singing the songs all day, and if I have to hear the chorus of "Shiny" one more time I'm sending you all to live with Hal. (And Barbara, if there's something you want to tell me, you can just tell me instead of humming "You're Welcome" when I'm around.)



 

  * If we confiscate unknown chemicals from any villains, that is not an invitation to "experiment" with those chemicals. It's your own faults that nobody's going to take a group of purple-skinned vigilantes seriously.



 

  * Calling Jason and Dick "Elsa" and "Anna" respectively is not allowed. Neither is calling Barbara "Kristoff" or Damian "Olaf."



 

  * _Bruce, if you keep yelling "Robin!" without specifying which one, you're inevitably going to have five people scream "WHAT!?" back at you. The big birds all still think they're little birds; bless them. -Selina (Edit: I can handle being a bird as long as you don't plan on eating me. -Tim) (Edit: Don't worry, I save the eating for Bruce. -Selina)_



 

  * WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SEX TALK AT THE DINNER TABLE!?



 

  * Shopping trips that end with fifteen stops at the lingerie store, thirty-two new cats and dogs (dammit Damian), and Cass buying out an entire ballet studio with my credit card (Cass, my darling child, I'm not mad; just disappointed) are prohibited. As is using the lingerie from that trip to shoot a "Sexy Nightwing" calendar and sell it to the Young Justice League for $400 dollars each (unfortunately they sold out too fast for me to confiscate them).



 

  * From now on, everyone must have the emergency alert number AHEAD of the local pizza places in their contact lists.



 

  * Do not arm civilians.



 

  * Definitely do not arm Wally West.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I threw in two Disney references and two reality-show references. No, I am not sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

  * Duke, don't listen to your siblings, there's no "Batfamily initiation" beyond the custody papers. You can put the dress, rubber chicken, and unicycle away now.



 

  * When we go to the mall, Steph is not allowed within three yards of Santa. Damian is not allowed within three miles of Santa. Jason is to be kept out of sight of Santa of all times.



 

  * On that note, those of you who are allowed to go near Santa are NOT allowed to take as many candy canes as they want just because they're free.



 

  * Barbara, "youguysarefreeloaderswhowouldnotlastadaywithoutme" (no spaces), "bruceisanassholewhotreatsmelikeasecretary" (no spaces), and "dickforgottobuychocolatepuddingsohe'ssleepingonthecouchtonight" (no spaces) are not appropriate Wi-Fi passwords. _(Edit: I said I was sorry about the pudding! -Dick)_



  * Jason, Halloween is OVER; stop going to parties in your normal clothes and claiming that you're "dressed up as a zombie."



 

  * Damian, you and Jon are not allowed to play "Risk" anymore; especially not the version where you jump off the manor roof and see how many stories you can fall before he catches you. For once, Clark agrees with me.



 

  * _Alright, which one of you bought Conner the "Attack of the Clones" t-shirt? -Tim_



  * Dick, stop taking pictures of the dik-diks at the zoo and captioning them as "my brethren." Definitely stop tagging your siblings on the heads of the dik-diks. And for the love of god, we're ALL sick of you saying "dik-diks mark their territory by crying" every time one of your siblings complains about something.



 

  * Kate is not a reliable source of information about the military (she convinced half the Young Justice League that they had to eat live monkeys to survive and nearly traumatized Garfield).



 

  * And for that matter, Jason is not a reliable source of information about the afterlife (Jason, nobody believes you when you say that the angels gave you free shotguns).



 

  * Dragging your team members to various strip clubs while in-uniform does not count as a "team-building exercise."
  * Cass, you can't give small children dangerous weaponry just because they gave you the "puppy-dog eyes." (Steph, you're in trouble for teaching her the phrase "puppy-dog eyes.") _(Edit: Why can't I? Isn't that what you did with my brothers? -Cass)_



  * Cass, Steph, there are better times to scream "WHAT DO WE WANT?" "LESBIANS" "WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?" "LESBIANS" than in the middle of a battle. Even if Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy did stop destroying Main Street to join in.



 

  * Matching tattoos are forbidden. Matching tattoos on areas not covered by your uniforms are even more forbidden (they are called "SECRET identities" for a REASON).



 

  * We are not the "Family Von Bats" and we will not be releasing an album any time soon. _(Edit: ~The cave is alive...with the sound of brooding...~ -Dick)_



  * Cow parkour is not to be attempted inside the Manor.



 

  * Tim and Damian are not allowed to be within six feet of each other at public events. (Tim and Damian say they are fine with this.)



 

  * I know that Harley Quinn and Scarecrow technically still have their Ph.D.'s, but that doesn't mean you should let them psychoanalyze your personal relationships when you're taking them to Arkham. "Redhead fever" is not a real thing and Dick does not have it.



 

  * Helium balloons are not allowed within fifty feet of the Manor. Or of Steph.



 

  * Neither are Bedazzlers. 



 

  * Tim is not allowed to replace Damian's homework with pictures of baby bats.



 

  * Tim is not allowed to touch Damian's homework.



 

  * Tim is not allowed within a five-foot radius of Damian's homework.



 

  * Please stop showing me the pictures from Poison Ivy's batfamreceipts blog; I already know about all the stupid things you've all done and I don't need to be reminded of the dildo helmet or Dick's mullet.



 

  * _Question for Bruce: can we show you the pictures from Ivy's blog that have you catching your cape in doorways or accidentally making silly faces at the camera? Rhetorical question; I already reposted them to Twitter and Snapchat. -Duke_



  * Next time Alfred bakes cookies, Cass can have Duke's share.



 

  * Jason is not allowed to wake up anyone with an air horn again. Being angry at them is not a valid reason.



 

  * Whoever put Nair in Dick's shampoo is preemptively grounded (hasn't he had enough terrible hairstyles by now!?).



 

  * Jason is grounded. _(Edit: It's your fault for not letting me wake him up with an air horn. -Jason)_



  * Nobody is allowed to "improve" their siblings' uniforms with My Little Pony or Hello Kitty stickers.



 

  * Fortune cookies are not to have their slips of paper replaced with complaints about your siblings. That's what this notice board is for.



 

  * _Okay, fine. Jason licks the flavoring off my Doritos and then puts them back in the bag. He doesn't even LIKE Doritos. -Babs  
_



  * _Kate deliberately spoiled the latest Game of Thrones episode for me just because she doesn't understand how I can enjoy a show with a lot of hetero sex (dragons; that's how). -Steph  
_



  * _Damian is far too intelligent and capable to be a member of this ridiculous family, and he makes me feel inferior just being in his presence. -Tim (Edit: DAMMIT DAMIAN WE ALL KNOW THAT'S YOU -the REAL Tim)_



  * Jason, Selina, I don't think Spanish was intended to be a secret code for you to talk about me behind my back. _(Edit: If you didn't want us to talk about you, you should've bought Selina the necklace she wanted with diamonds instead of cheap sapphires, pendejo. -Jason) (Sí, pendejo. -Selina.)_



  * None of the rest of you even knows what "pendejo" even means; stop calling me that in public.



 

  * Please find a better place to put your cell phones than your back pockets. This is the sixth time in a month one of you has butt-dialed me while in the middle of - shall we say - romantic interactions. 



 

  * Which reminds me, other people's coconut oil is not a good substitute for lube. I think Duke is traumatized. 



 

  * You can all stop with the running dares to try and get Barbara's father to quote Brooklyn Nine-Nine, the History of Japan video, or Shrek. Montoya may think it's funny, but Bullock's one migraine away from going to the Gotham tabloids about us. _(Edit: ~How about we do it anyway~ -Cass) (Edit: Stick it to the man, sis. Stick it to the man. -Jason)_




	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to InvaluableOracle for giving me the Cards Against Humanity idea. And if any of you catch the Teen Titans (show) reference, I'll award you the universally coveted prize of my respect and several invisible bat-cookies.  
> And Bruce doesn't want to admit it, but he totally cries during "Dear Theodosia" every time. And during "It's Quiet Uptown." ...Ahem. Anyway...

  * Dick, Steph, playing Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" on your phones every time I argue with Jason is completely unnecessary.



 

  * As is singing it out loud and changing the lyrics to "baby now we got bat blood."



 

  * All of you: introducing Duke to your friends by singing "You simply must meet Thomas, Thomas!" may have been funny the first five times, but now it's just getting old.



 

  * Tim and Damian are not Burr and Hamilton.



 

  * Jon, Maya, and Colin are not Mulligan, Lafayette, and Laurens.



 

  * I am DEFINITELY not King George III.



 

  * Screaming "HERE COMES THE GENERAL" every time Barbara comes into the room is forbidden. _(Edit: I dunno, I kinda like it. -Babs)_



 

  * Hamilton songs are no longer allowed at the dinner table.



 

  * Stealing plants from Poison Ivy to try and recreate Lush's face masks is forbidden. 



 

  * As is trying to convince Penguin to watch Happy Feet while we're in the middle of fighting him.



 

  * Next time, please get someone OTHER than Koriand'r to help decorate the higher-up places of the manor; or at least don't bring up her romantic history while she's doing it. That fire she set with her starbolts took nearly an hour to put out.



 

  * And next time, don't allow her to purchase Justice League-themed dildos and other sex toys to hang as "novelty holiday ornaments" (Steph, I know you were involved; stop pretending to be traumatized).



 

  * No attaching Christmas lights to your weapons (STEALTH. Do you not get it!?).



 

  * Tim, I shouldn't be thanking you for hacking into my phone, but I will say, changing Talia's contact name to "Emotional Baggage" was kind of funny. _(Edit: HOW DARE YOU CALL MY MOTHER NAMES, DRAKE. But in this case, you are actually right. -Damian)_



 

  * None of you are allowed to play Cards Against Humanity in front of Damian, on account of the "Batman's asshole" incident.



 

  * And none of you are allowed to play it with Kate at all, on account of the "homoerotic rooftop jumping" incident.



 

  * Selina, please stop bringing Harley and Ivy over to the Manor for coffee; with the way they keep poking around they're going to figure out we've got the Bat-Cave in our basement. Also, Harley keeps bringing up the "redhead fever" thing and I think Dick's getting a complex.



 

  * No Christmas-themed matching ANYTHING. I think we'd all rather forget the time last year when we fought the Legion of Doom in light-up masks and Santarina costumes.



 

  * Also, stop asking Kate if she wants to wear anything matching and Hanukkah-themed.



 

  * None of those at the legal drinking age are allowed to give Steph, Tim, Cass, and Damian anything with alcohol in it. Jason, I trust you to enforce this rule.



 

  * Barbara, please enforce the above rule. I don't trust Jason.



 

  * No singing carols between the hours of eight p.m. and nine a.m.; ESPECIALLY not "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells."



 

  * Whoever told Damian where we keep the hose during the winter is preemptively grounded.



 

  * ~~Cass is~~ Apparently, it was just a misunderstanding, so I can't ground Cass. Ever. At all.



 

  * Stop calling December "Star Wars Month" in front of strangers.



 

  * Any activities involving guns in the Bat-Cave are now strictly forbidden (THEY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, JASON) after Tim played the sound of crying babies for half an hour for each bullet hole he found in his computer.



 

  * Please try to find some form of motivation other than me nagging you into action. _(Edit: It doesn't even work on most of us, anyway. -Selina)_



 

  * _SELINA, BRUCE, FIND SOME PLACE OTHER THAN DICK'S MOTORBIKE TO HAVE SEX. I DON'T CARE IF YOU SCREW ALL OVER THE MANOR, JUST NOT ON MY AND YOUR SON'S SPOT. -Babs (Edit: Uh...I kinda care. -Tim) (Edit: Father, so Mother wasn't lying about your promiscuity? I had hoped that she was. -Damian) (Edit: Just you try and stop me, kitten. -Selina)_



 

  * Jason, stop posting Selina's arguments with Barbara on YouTube as the "Mama cat winning the catfights" series. Cass, stop agreeing to be his camerawoman.



 

  * Selina, please don't refer to Barbara as "kitten." For some reason, that gives Dick the jitters.



 

  * The phrase "she's beauty, she's grace, she'll punch you in the face" is now banned.



 

  * As is any variation of the phrase; including but not limited to "he'll shoot you in the face," "she's the world's biggest ace," "oh wait he has no grace," "he looks real good in lace," and "she comes from outer space."



 

  * Please find a better way to convince Jason to come home for the holidays than baiting bear traps with bread or telling him that he can use my cape for target practice.



 

  * Never say "fuck the police" in front of Dick and Barbara, even as a joke, because they take it far too literally.



 

  * Conversations that go "Fuck [insert sibling's significant other here]" "I'm trying" are not appropriate; especially not in front of that significant other's parent or child.



 

  * Just because I make you go on patrol during the holidays every year doesn't give you an excuse to quote "A Christmas Carol" at me all night.



 

  * Convincing M'gann M'orzz to impersonate your siblings in front of their friends and/or partner(s) is not funny, and it's your own faults that J'onn grounded her.



 

  * DAMIAN IS NOT A CAT, DO NOT SCRATCH HIM BEHIND THE EARS, THIS WILL ONLY RESULT IN PAIN (Cass on the other hand, is perfectly content with you doing this).



 

  * Duke, being mad at your siblings is not an excuse to cover the walls of their rooms in pictures of Nicholas Cage.



 

  * A giant bird nest is not optimal living conditions. It's not hygienic, either.



 

  * Tim is not allowed to play horror movie scores (especially not the theme from Jaws; the last time he did that doesn't bear remembering) across the manor with the Batcomputer when he hears someone else get up at night. Barbara is not allowed to do this either. Or Dick. Or Jason. Or anyone, for that matter.



 

  * Your next mission is to find out which of your siblings okayed paintball as a team-building exercise for the Young Justice League AND the Teen Titans and to bring them to me. And then that sibling's mission is to clean up after all the bats in the Cave, with no help, for the next year.




	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last couple weeks of classes before break have been kicking my ass, so it's a wonder I was able to come up with this. But I digress. Thanks to PurpleSquad for the Selina suggestions, and to William Vodder for reminding me to include Alfred.
> 
> (Also, did you all see the Spider-Man: Homecoming trailer? I know that it's Marvel, and this is a DC fic, but it's still really exciting.)

  * I can't stop you all from playing Pokemon Go, but you could at LEAST stop doing it while you're on the job. Chasing a Pikachu is NOT an acceptable excuse for letting Scarecrow get away.



 

  * Team Mystic vs Team Valor vs Team Instinct fights are NOW AND FOREVER FORBIDDEN in this house.



 

  * And could somebody get Stephanie to stop naming all her Zubats after me? She already has a hundred and nine of them, and every single one is called "Bruce-Man," and she thinks it's funny to send me screenshots every time she catches a new one.



 

  * Snowball fights are not an appropriate way to do battle with the Rogues.



 

  * Neither is singing the entirety of "Let It Go" when we confront Mr. Freeze.



 

  * Selina, please stop trying to rope my children into going on heists with you. I can't control what Stephanie and Barbara do, but please don't take them along either. And my sons will wear those skintight cat-eared leather suits over my dead body. _(Edit: I like those suits... -Dick) (Edit: Grayson should not be trusted to dress himself in the mornings. -Damian)_



 

  * There will be no more attempting to take Goliath to PetSmart.



 

  * "Borrowing" Barbara's wheelchair while she's asleep to race each other down the stairs is not allowed on pain of the wrath of an enraged Oracle.



 

  * THERE WILL BE NO MORE SEWING SEQUINS TO MY CAPE, DO YOU HEAR ME?



 

  * None of you are allowed to watch The Lego Movie any more. If I have to hear one of you scream "DARKNESS! NO PARENTS!" at me again then that person is having Diana oversee their next month's worth of workouts.



 

  * Whoever posted that video of Tim and Damian fighting on the Wayne Industries website is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Barbara is grounded. _(Edit: Remember, I'm not your daughter; you can't take away any of my time or material privileges. -Babs) (Edit: YOU'RE GROUNDING HER BY TAKING AWAY HER 'ME' PRIVILEGES!? WHAT THE SHIT, OLD MAN? -Dick)_



 

  * **I did warn you, Master Bruce, that Master Dick's and Miss Barbara's time apart would only exacerbate their feelings (that is, the feelings of wanting to spite you). This is why I may not feel an immediate urge to help you clean up the mess in the master bedroom this time.**



 

  * Damian, please stop insulting your teachers; no matter how idiotic they sound to you. I'm sick of getting phone calls about you ending up in the principal's office because you called one of the staff a "nit-witted babbling wench."



 

  * Kara Danvers is not our Chinese-food-delivery service.



 

  * Only full-fledged members of the Justice League are allowed to be in charge of any Secret Santas -- considering last year when Dick appointed Zatanna in charge of the Young Justice League's and she magically rigged it so that the entire team got her as their gift recipient.



 

  * Disregard the above rule; who thought it was a good idea to put the Green Lanterns in charge of anything!?



 

  * No one may crochet Fifty Shades of Grey quotes onto throw pillows, give them to any aliens they know, and tell said aliens that the quotes are from various holy books. Raven's only just managed to convince M'gann and Koriand'r that "My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba" is not actually from the Bible.



 

  * "Talk shit, get hit" is NOT our family motto.



 

  * Translating "talk shit, get hit" into Latin still does not make it our family motto.



 

  * Tim, I don't care if you got it engraved on a plaque in fancy lettering around the Wayne family crest, it's STILL not our family motto. All of you, stop finding excuses to hit your siblings. Alfred, please take it down.



 

  * **Perhaps if you would stop doing battle with your friends on a regular basis, I might take your offense at our new family motto more seriously, Master Bruce.**



 

  * Fine, we won't take the plaque down. But could Duke at least take down his Sass-Off tally board with "Alfred: [infinite tally marks], Bruce: 0"?



 

  * Admittedly, stealing Hal's Green Lantern ring to project images in front of the Justice League of him making a fool of himself was very funny, but it made me look unprofessional, so don't do it again.



 

  * Everyone must try to avoid hitting windows with your batarangs from now on. This is the fourth lawsuit I've gotten this month from angry Gotham residents, and it ruins the mystique to have Batman show up in court and pay for property damage.



 

  * "Cass told me" is not (always) a synonym for "this fact is true."



 

  * None of you may buy me any more "Because I Said So" t-shirts for Christmas this year.



 

  * Piggyback rides on Wally West or Bart Allen are not our "improved method of getting to crime scenes."



 

  * Jason is not allowed to explain to Damian what a threesome is by using himself, Roy, and Koriand'r as an example.



 

  * Jon Kent's heat vision is not to be used for any sort of repair work, ever.



 

  * Dick and Damian are not Pinkie and the Brain.



 

  * Damian is also not Stewie Griffin or Louise Belcher. 



 

  * Seriously, don't you all have anything better to do than watch TV? _(Edit: It's either that or murder, which I get the feeling you may vaguely disapprove of. -Jason)_



 

  * Selina, we CAN NOT let Harper, Kate, Cass, and Stephanie leave the house in those t-shirts with a cat on a plate and the phrase "pussy eater." There are paparazzi. And children. And please don't buy them any more.



 

  * SELINA, WHEN I SAID DON'T BUY THEM ANY MORE I DIDN'T MEAN BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF _(Edit: Too late; I'm literally never taking this off. -Selina) (Edit: Welcome to the club, stepmother. -Cass)_



 

  * Harper leaving her blue hair dye out on the counter is not a reason to replace it with hot pink.



 

  * BDSM jokes when Selina takes her whip out are not funny. And also inaccurate as to what she actually does with it. _(Edit: SPARE OUR YOUTHFUL EARS, PLEASE -Tim)_



 

  * Mariah Carey's Christmas album is not appropriate background music for team battle planning. Especially since all your friends gave up on the battle planning and started singing and dancing instead. 



 

  * Although, fine, I will admit it: those songs are pretty damn catchy.




	6. Chapter 6

  * ANYONE WHO SPOILS THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE FOR THEIR SIBLINGS IS GOING IN INDEFINITE TIME OUT. I DO NOT CARE HOW OLD THEY ARE. YOU DO NOT SPOIL STAR WARS; EVEN I KNOW THAT.



 

  * Barbara, if you're going to do "wheelchair parkour," at least don't do it around the china cabinet. The rest of you, stop setting up the obstacles for her; you're not helping my damages costs.



 

  * It's not appropriate timing to have rap battles in the middle of actual battles.



 

  * Tim, tell Connor to stop doing those impersonations of me when he thinks I'm not watching him. Those aren't even accurate; I would never talk like that.



 

  * I have never in my life pulled a live fish from my utility belt or called Selina "odious, abhorrent, and insegrievious." No, not even after she "borrowed" one of my shirts for the fifteenth time. Connor, stop it.



 

  * Speaking of Selina, will someone please inform Holly Robinson that she is not to practice stealing from anyone in this household? Cass panicked and took it out on the walls when she couldn't find her books, Duke was forced to use one of the curtains as a replacement cape, and Tim and Damian got into a fistfight because they each thought it had been the other who'd taken their cell phone.



 

  * And speaking of Conner, Tim, you're not fooling anyone when you tell me "we're not doing anything" when he visits you. This is the third time this month you've come down to breakfast in his shirt. AND I KNOW IT'S HIS BECAUSE HE NEVER WEARS ANYTHING ELSE. GOOD GOD AT LEAST JASON AND DICK ARE ADULTS. _(Edit: Bruce, you're overreacting. -Selina)_



 

  * No Selina, I am NOT overreacting. I am a perfect model of emotional control and mental health. Selina, I know you're looking over my shoulder as I write this; stop laughing.



 

  * Making snow-models of me in the backyard and using them for target practice is strictly forbidden.



 

  * I honestly don't know what you were all thinking when you tried to beat Dick in a game of Twister. I honestly don't know. Barbara, you shouldn't have encouraged them.



 

  * No Stephanie, we are not building a waffle machine into the Batmobile.



 

  * We are also not building a TV into the Batmobile.



 

  * We are definitely not building a hot tub into the Batmobile. 



 

  * We are not the "Brady Bat Bunch." Stop comparing Damian to Cindy; he already put three holes in the wall.



 

  * The next time Jason shows up in the middle of the night asking if we have any chloroform, stiletto knives, or toaster strudel, just assume that it's not for any good reason.



 

  * The Batcomputer is to be used for WORK, not for watching cartoons about gay rocks.



 

  * No Dick, we are not recruiting Taylor Swift to the Justice League. Yes, I know you love her, but a) she's a civilian and b) she doesn't have any powers, fighting skills, or viable assets to bring to the League whatsoever besides her money. _(Edit: None of that stopped the Justice League from recruiting you. -Dick) (Edit: Wrong. Bruce does have one power. He has white privilege. -Jason) (Edit: So does Taylor. -Dick)_



 

  * Whoever changed my Justice League file from "Powers: None" to "Powers: White Privilege" is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Jason is grounded.



 

  * Jason, stop switching back to Spanish when you know you're about to get in trouble. Calling me an "estúpido viejo gringo" doesn't negate the fact that you're still going to have to let go of the AK-47 for a week.



 

  * Cass, please stop playing Gone Girl when you, Stephanie, and Barbara have movie nights, because every time I come into the room they keep pointing at Amy's husband and insisting that he looks like me. I still don't see it, and it's getting annoying.



 

  * Duke, please stop coming to me every time one of your siblings gets into a fistfight with another. Yes, they really do fistfight that often. Yes, it is normal. You'll eventually get used to it.



 

  * Stop getting Dick to sing at inconvenient times just to see if he "really sounds like that guy who sings 'Beautiful Soul.'"



 

  * No Damian, you may not ride Goliath to school. 



 

  * You may also not have Jon fly you to school. Just take the bus like all ~~the plebeians~~ \-- I mean, your classmates.



 

  * No one may, under ANY circumstances, try to convince their sleep-deprived siblings that they're still dead.



 

  * Jason, tell Roy that he's banned from participating in family discussions. "Shotgun bows" are not ever going to be a thing.



 

  * Stop telling Tim that his Red Robin costume "makes it look like he's wearing a condom on his head."



 

  * And while you're at it, please stop singing the songs from the Red Robin restaurant commercials at him.



 

  * Nobody may EVER answer the door to takeout in their uniforms. The pizza boy is getting far too suspicious for my taste. 



 

  * Nobody may use their real names on their Starbucks orders while in-uniform either. Or their siblings' names, for that matter. We don't need to encourage the rumor going around that Cass moonlights as Nightwing, Red Hood, and Batman all at the same time.



 

  * Contributing to the #WhySupesIsBetterThanBats hashtag is not funny. And Jason, you may not start a #WhyWonderWomanIsBest hashtag. She already beats me up enough.



 

  * No one may spray purple and pink paint on Dick's uniform and call him "Bi-Wing."



 

  * Dick definitely may not encourage this.



 

  * Every single one of you is grounded for "letting slip" to the Young Justice League that they reminded you of certain members of the Avengers, and then encouraging them to fight about which of them was which Avenger. We're never going to get that tray out of La'gaan's forehead, Karen still refuses to come out of the cupboards, and every idiot knows that Koriand'r is obviously Thor; I don't even know how you managed to start a Battle Royale out of what should've been a non-issue.



 

  * Someone please just tell Damian what a meme is.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #bipride #nospoilersguys
> 
> (Oh, and thanks to AzulDemon for reminding me of Kon's Adam-West-as-Batman impersonations.)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [throws yards of colored lights in the air]

  * We do not embroider the lyrics to "Jingle Bells; Batman Smells" on pillows as last-minute holiday decoration.



 

  * Cass, remind your brothers that you thread the popcorn on the string, you don't eat it. I am going to toss Dick off the roof for teaching Damian "one for you, two for me" because it took FIVE bowls of popcorn to thread ONE string.



 

  * Cookies are for eating, not for hurling at your siblings.



 

  * When assembling teams of your friends to play dreidel with Kate, you are all forbidden from having Raven on your team; considering last year when she made the dreidel fall on Gimel every single time she had a turn.



 

  * We do not want or need a weaponized menorah.



 

  * Or a weaponized Christmas tree.



 

  * Or a weaponized prayer rug.



 

  * No, I do not care how much Damian liked the idea.



 

  * Jason, I know that you're making your siblings "one get out of murder free" coupons for Christmas again. Stop it.



 

  * Alfred's hot chocolate is not to be used as bait for trapping the Rogues.



 

  * It is also not to be used for bribing the Justice League to come to our house for the holidays again.



 

  * I know one of you convinced the entire Justice League to come over in ugly Batman holiday sweaters; and when I find out who did it that person is is on solo clean-up for all the ripped present paper.



 

  * Those under the age of twenty-one should not be drinking eggnog, mulled wine, Diana's weird Greek liquor, or that stuff Hal always brings over. No one really knows what it is, and you shouldn't be taking drinks from any of the Lanterns anyway.



 

  * Come to think of it, Jason should not be drinking any of that either.



 

  * "Latke food fights" are not allowed in this house.



 

  * I trust you all to keep it PG should you decide to go caroling tonight. Children live in Gotham, after all.



 

  * NEVER MIND THE ABOVE STATEMENT DON'T GO CAROLING NONE OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GO CAROLING ANYMORE.



 

  * Send Wally West away once people start on the mulled wine. We don't need any of you drunkenly doing acrobatics, pretending to be strippers, and mimicking my "Batman voice" on YouTube. Again.



 

  * Duke, no encouraging Raven to make flying reindeer.



 

  * Dick, you and Wally are not allowed to make flying reindeer.



 

  * Barbara, you and Tim are not allowed to find ways to make the flying reindeer glow in the dark.



 

  * Whoever convinced Garfield to turn into an actual dragon for a game of Snapdragon is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Damian is grounded.



 

  * Keep Donna Troy away from the fire pit. I don't trust her when she says that out-of-control bonfires are an "Amazonian holiday tradition."



 

  * While you're at it, keep Cassie Sandsmark away from the fire pit too. She seems to believe Donna.



 

  * Damian, I know you don't celebrate Christmas, but could you not refer to your and your siblings' friends as "foolish ummah" for believing in Santa when they were younger? Or at least not to their faces? Yes, I know that delivering presents to every single child in one night is unrealistic. Yes, you made that abundantly clear.



 

  * Tim, if you and Bart are going to organize a Rockettes routine with the Young Justice League, could you at least make sure it doesn't end up on the Internet?



 

  * Never mind. Now could you at least make sure no one can tell your secret identities when they look at the video?



 

  * Quoting "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" around me when I post something new to this board is not funny, and I'm about to put you all on pencil-pushing internships at WE. Yes, even you, Stephanie.



 

  * Selina, please don't give anyone any more stolen goods this year. No matter how much Dinah liked that necklace.



 

  * No one may invite any of their friends down to the Bat-Cave for the rest of the night. Someone (looking at you, Stephanie) put mistletoe on the dinosaur's head again, and I'm pretty sure if Barbara sees any more lip marks on Dick's face she's going to crash our entire computer system.



 

  * Dick, I really don't think that serenading Barbara with "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is really going to soothe her temper.



 

  * Cass, Steph, you were not supposed to be ENCOURAGED by that. Yes, your cover of "Baby It's Cold Outside" did in fact bring the house down, but that's not the point.



 

  * Someone tell Koriand'r that "the Mass of Christ" is not to be celebrated by using her starbolts to light anything. And keep her away from Donna.



 

  * Half-melted snow is not to be brought inside the manor. Or the Bat-Cave.



 

  * Half-melted snow is not to be hurled at people inside the manor or the Bat-Cave for any reason.



 

  * Nobody is to give their friends any more alcohol for a holiday gift.



 

  * If any of you try to re-gift Dick or Jason their old scaly Robin panties, I will not be held responsible for the outcome.



 

  * No gift-giving alliances. The "ginger uprising" last year was almost too successful for the League's comfort.



 

  * DRUNKEN FESTIVE ORGIES ARE NOT ALLOWED AND SHOULD NOT BE IMPLIED WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS' MENTORS. GOOD GOD ARE YOU ALL TRYING TO GET THEM FIRED!?



 

  * Streaking outside in the manor's front yard, leaping into the frozen-over outdoor pool, and then running back inside is not the "Polar Plunge." It is a sure way to get hypothermia, and you should not be encouraging the Wests or Allens to do it; no matter how annoying I find them.



 

  * Any sort of physical holiday games should only be done inside the manor, at the approval of a responsible member of the League (i.e. not the Lanterns).



 

  * If one of your friends drinks too much, please do not draw on their faces, take pictures, and post the pictures on the Internet.



 

  * If you don't like any of your presents, just say thank you anyway. Wait to throw them in the garbage until after your family member or friend who gave them to you isn't looking.



 

  * Try not to make any holiday event into a fistfight.



 

  * Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and happy any other holiday currently being celebrated right now. Don't do anything stupid without Alfred around.




	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait; I've been somewhat lacking in motivation to write recently. But I promise more stuff is coming, for both this and other works of mine.

  * To all those who've been asking: I know that you miss the holiday season, but, yes, it is too soon to start preparing for Valentine's Day.



 

  * It is now forbidden to Rickroll any members of the Justice League. Including me.



 

  * Disney Movie Nights are supposed to be a time of truce, not a time to hit your siblings with pillows and blame it on the person sitting next to you.



 

  * Duke is not "covered in bumblebees" when he wears his suit. Karen Beecher was not amused at all by this.



 

  * Nobody is allowed to take Barbara's wheelchair AT ALL without her permission. There have been too many instances of violence, excessive swearing, broken family heirlooms, hair product lit on fire, and at least one video of her beating Jason around the head with a trash can lid posted to the Internet. _(Edit: I think "trash gets hit with his fellow trash" is up to ten million views by now, so you're welcome for the fame, Jay. -Harper)_



 

  * And you should all know by now that she also does not appreciate being compared to Wade from Kim Possible. 



 

  * Dangerous chemical mixtures are not to be microwaved "just to see what'll happen."



 

  * Neither is alien weaponry (even IF said alien gave their permission).



 

  * Unfortunately, no one may replace Jason's or Kate's guns with paintball lookalikes. They take it too personally.



 

  * "I am one with the Force; the Force is with me" is not an excuse for anything you have done or will do.



 

  * Please refrain from calling me "Dork Knight," "Dad Knight," "fresh from the nearest sex dungeon," "Not Bruce Wayne," or any bat puns while we're out on patrol, no matter how funny the Rogues may find it.



 

  * Damian and Duke are not allowed to use Tim's Special Blowtorch, Tim's Special Keyboard, Tim's Special Knife Sharpener, or Tim's Special Mousepad.



 

  * Or any of Tim's things, actually.



 

  * ALL OF YOU NEED TO STOP RECOMMENDING SHOWS FOR CASS TO LEARN ENGLISH FROM; THERE ARE SOME ASPECTS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW. _(Edit: I honestly don't know what you're so upset about; I'm finding Archer really educational so far. -Cass)_



 

  * Everyone in this house is now required to sleep with clothes on.



 

  * Stephanie and Barbara are not allowed to argue about the aerodynamics of Dick's backside. They are most certainly not allowed to do this in front of a crowd of paparazzi again. _(Edit: She's still wrong; I have first hand experience. -Babs) (Edit: Don't remind us. -Tim)_



 

  * Diana's lasso is not to be used for finding out who ate the last cookie.



 

  * If someone has put and/or labeled their name on leftovers in the fridge, you do not eat it for them. You most certainly do not thank them for the free meal.



 

  * "Robin, no!" is now a synonym for "Abort mission!"



 

  * So is "Red Hood, no!"



 

  * Fistfights over who gets to play which character in video games are completely unnecessary. Cass and Tim, just let someone else be Pharah and Mercy every once in a while. _(Edit: I have eternal dibs on Widowmaker, though. -Jason)_



 

  * "Hey baby, I have a 12-inch penis" in Swedish is not the name of any IKEA furniture. Stephanie and Harper are not allowed to watch Splash any more.



 

  * Playing catch with Bizarro and other super-beings by using your siblings as the ball may have been mildly amusing at first, but it's also dangerous, so don't encourage it any more.



 

  * When I say "pass the salt" that does not mean "push Jason's chair around the table towards me."



 

  * Whoever told M'gann M'orzz and Conner Kent about gay chicken is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Dick is grounded.



 

  * I don't care how "accurate" it is, spray-painting "NOW TURN BACK ON PAIN OF HATING CLOWNS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" on the Welcome to Gotham sign is still vandalism.



 

  * You cannot give anyone permission to test tranquilizer darts on anyone except yourself.



 

  * While I am proud that you're all comfortable in your sexualities and gender identities, you still should not be running around outside clad in nothing but various pride flags, no matter how drunk and/or stoned you were at the time. You're all going to get hypothermia or arrested for public indecency again.



 

  * The next time one of you puts salt in Raven's tea I will not try to stop whatever she decides to do.



 

  * All complaints about Damian are now to be taken directly to Dick.



 

  * Nobody, but especially not Tim, should attempt to give kitchen appliances sentience again. The "Toaster Overlord" incident is still far too fresh in everyone's minds.



 

  * I can't control Roy Harper if he wants to dress up as Han Solo for Gotham City Comic Con, but Jason, you really should not be going with him in Princess Leia's metal bikini. The rest of you should not be encouraging either of them.



 

  * When baking apology cakes, cleanup afterwards is essential (especially if Damian was involved in any way).



 

  * If Barbara has been up in the Clock Tower for more than forty-eight hours straight, someone is required to go up there and make sure she gets some sleep. I have it on good authority that the last time she was left alone for that long without rest the government of Rhelasia was nearly toppled.



 

  * The lyrics to the chorus of "Get Low" are not to be screamed out in the middle of a fight. 



 

  * Neither are the lyrics to "Shake It Off," "Don't Hurt Yourself," or any song that references shooting. We have that "no singing on patrol" rule for a reason.



 

  * I can't encourage any of you to assassinate the president elect or vice president elect before their inauguration; you all know that. That being said, I'm sure there are a few tenants of Arkham that would be willing to sell long-range weapons good to take someone out from a safe distance from the US Capitol Visitor Center. But you didn't hear about it from me.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archer is one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows, but none of the characters are role models AT ALL, and the whole thing is entirely inappropriate and politically incorrect. Hence Bruce's reaction.
> 
> Also, if any of you would be willing to draw Roy and Jason together as Han and bikini-clad Leia, or just willing to discuss Batfamily gender ID/sexuality headcanons with me, I will love you forever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any of you curious about my Hogwarts House headcanons:
> 
> Alfred - Hufflepuff  
> Bruce - Gryffindor  
> Kate - Gryffindor  
> Selina - Slytherin  
> Barbara - Ravenclaw/Gryffindor  
> Dick - Hufflepuff  
> Jason - Gryffindor  
> Tim - Ravenclaw  
> Stephanie - Hufflepuff  
> Cassandra - Gryffindor  
> Harper - Ravenclaw  
> Duke - Gryffindor  
> Damian - Slytherin

  * Cass, I'm sorry, but singing songs by the contestants of RuPaul's Drag Race does not work to pump your siblings up during workouts. Also, they made Tim uncomfortable. _(Edit: I still don't understand what was so uncomfortable about "Boy Is A Bottom." -Cass) (Edit: It hit a little too close to home for him. -Jason) (Edit: I am not going to even dignify that with a response. -Tim)_



 

  * And Stephanie, the opposite applies to you and the songs from High School Musical: people are getting too pumped up and getting into dance routines and breaking equipment, so stop it. _(Edit: I wasn't even the one singing during "We're All In This Together," so if you wanna blame someone for the barbells and the floor, blame your sons. -Steph)_



 

  * Nobody is allowed to use their weapons on any household items or furniture on pain of a disappointed Alfred.



 

  * If and when Duke, Barbara, or Jason decide to make meals, Tim, Damian, and Stephanie are not allowed to "help." And Dick is not allowed to "help" with the fire extinguisher again.



 

  * Dick is also not allowed to advise anybody on their hair or wardrobe. _(Edit: You grow out a mullet one time and nobody ever lets you forget it. -Dick) (Edit: You actually thought it looked cool; of course we're not going to let you forget it. -Babs)_



 

  * Harper, I know that your computer's software was just telling you obvious facts that you knew already, but calling it "Robin" because of that was just mean.



 

  * WHICH ONE OF YOU TOLD HARLEY QUINN THAT I SLEEP UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE CEILING?



 

  * You are all not allowed to attend Damian's parents' evening without myself and at least one other responsible adult present. The legal adults among you do not count.



 

  * During Damian's parents' evening, you are not allowed to drop hints about our secret identities along with a multitude of bat puns to the teachers.



 

  * You are also not allowed to let Cass wander off by herself (considering last time when some little punk tried to grope her and she put his head through a locker door. It was excellent form by the way, Cass).



 

  * Nobody is allowed to fall asleep during the teacher commentary, even if it is "boring as fuck."



 

  * And nobody is allowed to let Tim into the conferences with the teachers that may actually sort of like Damian. 



 

  * Artemis is not allowed to play volleyball at our house anymore. _(Edit: Wait, my Artemis or Jason's Artemis? Artemis Crock or Artemis-Artemis? -Dick) (Edit: Honestly, I don't think EITHER of them are coming back. That was one big crack in the gym floor, and right after it got fixed again, too. -Duke)_



 

  * Nobody may attempt to jumpscare any Kryptonians ever again. I can't believe none of you knew that their eye-lasers could be activated by shock. I also can't believe that none of you could've picked a better time to attempt this than when Jon and Damian were playing in my office. 



 

  * Whoever introduced Bart Allen to Heelies is grounded.



 

  * Duke is grounded.



 

  * _I know you're all trying to hack my computer files to find dirt on your brother. I advise you all to stop that. The things you find may not be what you want to see, if you catch my drift. -Babs  
_



  * _Cass, meet me in my room in ten. Tim accidentally found some things on Babs' computer that gave me an idea for when we turn 18. -Steph  
_



  * _If any of you need me, I'll be at home with Roy and Kori for the rest of the day. On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know where Bruce's old video camera went? -Jason_



 

  * I DO NOT WANT TO FIND OUT AGAIN THAT ANY OF YOU HAVE A SEX TAPE. WE ARE NOT THE KARDASHIANS. FOR ONE THING, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY DO PRODUCTIVE THINGS ON OCCASION. _(Edit: I hate to be the one to tell you this honey, but we are totally the Kardashians. And you are Kris. -Selina) (Edit: Dick's Kim, I'm Kourtney. -Jason) (Edit: I REFUSE TO BE KYLIE, BROWN -Damian)_



 

  * Messages sent over comlinks or phones during missions cannot be entirely composed of emojis.



 

  * The Batmobile is not a place to have "carpool karaoke" sessions. It is especially not the place to do that when we are escorting multiple inmates back to Arkham.



 

  * Harry Potter reading sessions with Cass are perfectly fine, as long as they remain one-on-one. Any more group reading sessions are bound to end in tears, overly enthusiastic cosplay, philosophical debates that turn violent, house feuds, and Tim hanging from the chandelier by his Ravenclaw scarf again.



 

  * Stephanie, please stop playing "Call Me, Beep Me" while we're on the way to the Bat-Signal. Yes, I know Commissioner Gordon thought you saying "What's the sitch?" when we showed up was funny, but that's not the point.



 

  * There will be no more teaching Cass obscene hand gestures and then trying to tell me that it means "cat" in sign language.



 

  * Mutant, alien, or otherwise non-naturally-occurring-on-Earth animals (besides Goliath) are not allowed in this house anymore.



 

  * Please stop flipping off the paparazzi. 



 

  * Roy Harper is no longer allowed to tag along to press conferences after he backed up the rumors that the rest of you MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE PERPETUATING that I and Batman are secretly lovers.



 

  * Kara Danvers is no longer allowed to use the Batcomputer, even if Barbara or Tim say yes, after she used it to write Bruce Wayne/Batman fanfiction.



 

  * Could one of you please explain why, in all these fanfictions, Batman has to be blond? Is there some sort of fair hair/dark hair standard that this kind of thing has to live up to?



 

  * I never want to hear or see the phrase "their tongues battled for dominance" ever again.



 

  * None of you may confirm or deny any of these rumors to the press.



 

  * Selina, stop laughing about it.



 

  * Selina. Please.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would literally kill for a fanfic where Bruce has to make it look like he's having an affair with his own alter ego in order to preserve his secret identity. Literally. Kill.


	10. Chapter 10

  * Taking out life insurance policies on your siblings and/or yourself is NOT FUNNY and NOT APPROPRIATE. _(Edit: Jason, I told you it was too soon. Wait a couple years till you become a drug lord or something and the old man's feeling a bit less nostalgic. -Steph)_



 

  * I'm disabling the picture-sending function on all of our work coms. Patrol is not the time to be sending memes to each other; particularly Damian.



 

  * And now I apparently have to forbid you from using your cell phones while on patrol, too. Seriously, the memes are entirely unnecessary. 



 

  * Jason, you can drop the act; I already know that "cabrón" is not Spanish for "dad."



 

  * Please refrain from filling my cowl with half-melted snow again.



 

  * For the love of god, will someone just tell Artemis Crock already that crossbows are not an acceptable tool for killing spiders. We've already had enough people in this family shot in the backside by now.



 

  * Stephanie, Duke, Harper, none of you were IN the Teen Titans; what could have possibly possessed you to invite them over and then suggest that they bring back Stank-Ball? It's only been an hour, and we've already found dirty socks in the pool, the cereal cabinet, several rare vases, behind the radiator, and, somehow, inside Kate's underwear drawer. 



 

  * **Don't forget those dirty socks belonging to Master Timothy that Titus ate, sir.**



 

  * _Damian, you better not have trained the dog to eat my socks. -Tim (Edit: More importantly, you kids should stay out of my underwear drawer or you're in for a nasty surprise next time we go to the zoo. -Kate)_



 

  * Kate, dangling young people by their ankles over the crocodile pit is not appropriate punishment. This is the third Gotham zoo we've been kicked out of already, and I'm not driving all the way to Bludhaven next time someone wants to see non-villainous penguins.



 

  * And speaking of the Titans, please stop telling Raven and Garfield to get a room every time they get into an argument.



 

  * Whoever talked the Justice League into fighting the The League of Assassins inside giant fusible lion robots is grounded.



 

  * Tim is grounded.



 

  * Asking "How do you keep a Green Lantern in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time. 



 

  * Song lyrics are only to be sang at top volume when Tim is fully conscious.



 

  * Yes Cass, you're getting very good at painting your brothers' nails, and yes, they do look wonderful; but that doesn't mean that they can have poison-enhanced polish as part of their weapons arsenal.



 

  * No Stephanie, we are not going to sue a toy store just because all their Batgirl plushies are redheads instead of blondes. _(Edit: Honestly, I'm not happy about it either. -Babs)_



 

  * While we're fighting Mr. Freeze, none of you should be thanking him for giving you extra snow days.



 

  * Unless you are doing a stealth and/or recon mission, none of you should be sneaking through a building's air vents.



 

  * Then again, none of you should be sealing the vents with your siblings still inside, either.



 

  * Feeding one's sibling's pizza bagels to Alfred the Cat is not appropriate revenge for them stealing the first shower in the morning.



 

  * "I've heard every joke possible about Dick's name" IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A CHALLENGE.



 

  * Nobody is allowed to make Cass cry, ever, because that makes everybody else cry too.



 

  * From now on, everybody is required to be fully clothed everywhere that is not their or their significant other's bedroom.



 

  * Adding on to the above rule: if you are under the age of eighteen, you should still be fully clothed in your significant other's bedroom too. _(Edit: Bruce, you do realize you've been fighting a losing battle on this for years, right? -Dick) (Edit: Yeah Dick, you were, what, sixteen when you lost your virginity? -Babs) (Edit: YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE FOURTEEN YOU DICKHEAD -Jason) (Edit: Yeah, and going by the muttering, Bruce apparently thought he was nineteen. -Duke) (Edit: Oops. -Babs)_



 

  * Barbara, please stop having Koriand'r fly you around the city. I've already had five of my workers coming in today about the flying mutant wheelchair and saying they plan to readjust their medication.



 

  * Nobody is allowed to "borrow" Jason's, Kate's, or Harper's guns. 



 

  * No matter what Damian threatens or bribes you with, he is still not allowed to purchase a Siberian tiger, a hippopotamus, a piranha, a Bactrian camel, or a reticulated python.



 

  * There will be no more attempts to set up phone sex lines to Arkham Asylum. 



 

  * Jason, please stop making "pounded and quick-roasted" poultry-related jokes about your death.



 

  * And while you're at it, STOP encouraging Damian and Stephanie to fight you over who's the best "dead Robin." Denny's is going to sue us if you get into any more beat-downs in their parking lots.



 

  * Barbara is not allowed to play the Star Wars theme song at ungodly hours of the morning to wake everybody up. Tim is not allowed to be her accomplice.



 

  * Yes, I am aware that bats have the highest rates of homosexuality among mammals. You've all brought it up multiple times when you've brought home certain former/current romantic partners. What I do not understand is why you keep bringing it up again when Clark and I sit next to each other at Justice League meetings (and why Diana keeps sniggering when you do).



 

  * Asking Rose Wilson if she's related to Deadpool during movie night is only bound to end with someone else losing an eye.



 

  * Please stop greeting Selina with choruses of "What's New, Pussycat," no matter how funny she finds it.



 

  * Damian's pets should not be encouraged to take over the world.



 

  * None of you are allowed to ride Goliath when you're still in your civilian clothes, no matter how long the bus takes.



 

  * Wally West and Bart Allen are not allowed to participate in any sock-skating events.



 

  * The no-singing-on-patrol rule has been updated to include no reciting TV show quotes on patrol.



 

  * Or movie quotes.



 

  * Or book quotes.



 

  * Or anything Selina has said while drunk.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact about bats is true, by the way. Explains a lot, doesn't it?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon Batfamily restaurant bonding, the Judas Contract trailers, Cass ballet dancing, The Lego Batman Movie, and me actually getting off my ass to write all within ten days of each other? We are truly blessed.
> 
> (The Karmasheetra idea came from Sleepslowly. I dare you all to google it.)

  * There will be no more, I repeat, NO MORE attempts to bribe the Batburger restaurant owners to get the recipe for their Jokerized french fry sauce, JASON.



 

  * Damian, snow days are not supposed to be an opportunity to go out and get snow to put in Tim's bed sheets.



 

  * Nobody is permitted to give any siblings a Karmasheetra to use with their partner(s) Valentine's Day this year or any other year. No, I do not care how much they loved it last year, or if they've worn it through by now. Nor do I want to hear it again, actually.



 

  * Trying to recreate any of the lab accidents that gave your friends or nemeses their powers is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.



 

  * We are not hiring Donna Troy as a bodyguard again. The Lamborghini still hasn't fully recovered.



 

  * I guarantee you all that Rose Wilson and her father do not find being referred to by any pirate names nearly as funny as you do.



 

  * Stop trying to roast marshmallows with any of the Kents' heat vision.



 

  * Tim is no longer allowed to participate in press conferences when he's running on less than two hours of sleep on account of the Pringles incident, the lesbian party incident, the self-help book incident, the Red Bull incident and the "demon summoning" incident on Damian's birthday.



 

  * Stephanie is no longer allowed to participate in press conferences either for as long as she keeps making insinuations about what she and Cass get up to when I'm not around. _(Edit: I like the insinuations. -Cass) (Edit: I told you years ago, old man. I'm gonna be your daughter-in-law someday, so get used to it. -Steph) (Edit: Yeah, you told him that when you were dating ME. -Tim)_



 

  * Pogo sticks may not be brought within fifty feet of the manor grounds.



 

  * Dinah Lance's Canary Cry is not to be used as a ringtone.



 

  * Whoever gave Roy Harper and Artemis Crock permission to skeet-shoot the Victorian china is grounded.



 

  * Dick is grounded.



 

  * Nobody may attempt to bungee-jump off the manor roof again.



 

  * If Jim Gordon comes to visit sometime in the next week, none of you may try to tell him his daughter's Valentine's plans again. Last year he drank his way through all of Selina's favorite rum and she wouldn't even look at me for two weeks.



 

  * Dick, when shopping for furniture, please refrain from testing out all the beds via doing acrobatics on them. 



 

  * What constitutes as a reasonable amount of meatballs must be decided by me.



 

  * Next time, someone must warn me that Stephanie likes novelty bed frames BEFORE she gets lost in a maze of them.



 

  * Nobody is to attempt to get Cass out of the ball pit before she's good and ready.



 

  * FOR THE LAST TIME, NONE OF YOU SPEAK SWEDISH, STOP MAKING UP INAPPROPRIATE TRANSLATIONS FOR FURNITURE NAMES IN FRONT OF CHILDREN.



 

  * The managers of IKEA have now filed a restraining order. I hope you're all happy.



 

  * I feel like I have to remind you all that video games that involve dancing are a) just games and b) not worth pulling your muscles by using full acrobatic abilities to show up your siblings.



 

  * Nobody can invite Victor Stone to watch Toy Story with us again after the last Justice League battle when Oliver Queen said "come over and give me a hand" and got a detached metal arm thrown at him.



 

  * Ed Sheeran songs are not to be played at full volume at three in the morning, no matter how long your significant other has been away on a mission.



 

  * Eating fish in anyone's ventilation system is forbidden full stop.



 

  * As is eating egg salad.



 

  * And sauerkraut.



 

  * None of you think that giving Taraji P. Henson's speech in Hidden Figures a standing ovation was unnecessary? _(Edit: Nope. -Steph) (Edit: Hell no. -Jason) (Edit: No. -Cass.) (Edit: No. -Damian) (Edit: Are you kidding!? -Dick) (Edit: Nuh-uh. -Tim) (Edit: Not even a little bit. -Babs) (Edit: She deserves an Oscar for the speech alone. -Duke) (Edit: You'd understand too if you weren't so white, Bruce honey. -Selina)_



 

  * Barbara should not be allowed near displays of the Fifty Shades of Grey books/sequels or the new movie posters because of their tendency to "spontaneously combust" when she's near.



 

  * Starting a betting pool on how the next one of you is going to die or get a disabling injury is NOT FUNNY, it is EXTREMELY tasteless. _(Edit: Yeah, especially considering that for some reason all you guys' money is on ME being the next to die!? -Duke) (Edit: Don't take it personally. You're the only one of us that hasn't been severely and permanently traumatized yet, it has to happen eventually. -Steph)_



 

  * Starting a different betting pool on how Dick's next engagement is going to end catastrophically is only slightly less tasteless. _(Edit: What do you mean SLIGHTLY? -Duke) (Edit: What do you mean LESS? -Dick)_



 

  * Speaking of whom, Koriand'r is not to be left alone in the kitchen again. She actually beat Wally West's record for cleaning out the entire extra-large refrigerator single-handedly.



 

  * Nobody may tape any "Kick Me" signs to their siblings' backs, because Damian and Jason take them far too literally.



 

  * If there has to be any blackmailing done in this house, can you all at least save it for after family meals? I absolutely do not want to know what you're blackmailing each other with; unless it's another sex tape, in which case you're all grounded.



 

  * _Does anyone know a reliable way to destroy someone else's phone and also their phone footage? Asking for a friend. Or two. -Jason_



 

  * I know that all of you want to see it, but I am not going and I am not paying for tickets to The Lego Batman Movie. You're all going to spend your own money instead of mine for once. And no, it's not just because that portrayal of me is hitting too close to home or anything. I don't know why any of you would think that.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Bruce is getting progressively more tired and aggravated with each new chapter. Also, Selina drinks Bacardi rum for no reason other than because it has a bat as its logo, pass it on.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it's been so long. Unfortunately, real life doesn't appreciate taking a backseat to imagination, but for my and your sakes, let's hope this and more actually get accomplished over my spring break.
> 
> Also, if you catch the Avatar: The Last Airbender reference and which episode it's from, I will love you.

  * Tim's friends are not permitted to let Damian play Dungeons and Dragons with them. He gets far too overenthusiastic.



 

  * Tim's friends are not permitted to let Damian sit in the room with them while they play Dungeons and Dragons, either.



 

  * Tim's friends are doubly not permitted to allow Damian to egg on Tim's opponents or Duke and Stephanie to make bets on the outcome of the game.



 

  * All those going with me to see Logan are required to make loud conversation during an intense scene. The Dark Knight must not be seen crying in public.



 

  * Kate Kane is no longer to be included in games of Truth or Dare. My god, some of you are still CHILDREN. _(Edit: But I learned so much from those games! -Cass) (Edit: All I learned was a strong desire to pour bleach on my brain. -Tim)_



 

  * When bringing your significant other(s) home for the night, please remember to LOCK YOUR DOORS. _(Edit: Brain bleach. Need patent for brain bleach... -Tim)_



 

  * Please remember not to post any personal photos on your super-identity social media accounts, or vice versa. You really don't think that Red Robin posting pictures of Cassandra Cain asleep on Bruce Wayne's couch in her pajamas is suspicious? Adorable, yes, but still suspicious.



 

  * Damian, I don't care if you don't want to be the baby anymore, please stop asking Selina to give you a younger sibling.



 

  * DAMIAN YOU CAN NOT BEAT UP YOUR THEORETICAL YOUNGER SIBLING.



 

  * Selina, can we please talk about that operation some other time?



 

  * Nobody may bring any more Starfire dolls into the house, because this is the fifth time Barbara has caught one of you making those dolls kiss her Nightwing doll, and we really don't need her toppling any more governments this year.



 

  * Pop Rocks and open bottles of Coca-Cola are not allowed in the Batcave anymore.



 

  * Dick, please stop whispering "hello, secret camera" into all of Oracle's security cams. Barbara, please stop telling him that you think it's cute.



 

  * Must you all really cheer for the fictional Rogues instead of fictional me during Bad Batman Family Movie Night? _(Edit: Not true, we also cheer for fictional Alfred, and sometimes also fictional Robin. -Duke)_



 

  * When babysitting Lian Harper, comments such as "be grateful you're an only child" or "what's it like having a nice dad?" or "there are only two constants in the world: death, and shitty families, and I'm not actually sure about the death part" are extremely uncalled for, thank you.



 

  * Putting glasses on Jon Kent to test if his parents still recognize him is actually very funny, but Lois is blaming me for the idea, so stop it.



 

  * Selina, next time you take me on a surprise double date to the aquarium with Harley & Ivy, remind me to bring the shark repellent first. Or maybe just tell Harley & Ivy that I'm highly contagious and cannot be allowed in public.



 

  * Whoever told the Green Lanterns that I call them the Wienie Lanterns behind their backs is preemptively grounded. 



 

  * Stephanie is grounded.



 

  * Vodka and shot glasses should NOT be equated with getting grounded, especially if said grounded person is underage.



 

  * Harper, stop trying to get Dick a slot on "What Not To Wear: Gotham City."



 

  * No, Damian may not be given The Talk with two lead pipes, three hula hoops, red clown noses, a cupful of live tadpoles, and those suspicious-looking raw organs that Jason got from lord knows who/where. I am his father, I will give him an educational, interactive lecture myself.



 

  * _If you are reading this note, then Cain has successfully delivered it to this notice board. I am perfectly safe and hiding in the linens closet. Please inform Father that he is not longer permitted to give me educational lectures on anything ever again. Even Todd's cow uterus would've been better than this. -Damian (Edit: Damian's okay? And that was from a cow? Oh, thank God. -Dick)_



 

  * The next time Tim starts muttering about bison having sword-fights with lemurs and six-armed gurus singing about chakras, please just assume that he needs to go to sleep.



 

  * Considering how furious Ra's Al Ghul gets about even small perceived slights and how he takes it out on both civilians and the rest of our family, no, I do not think it would be appropriate to steal his robes just to sing in front of Damian: "I wear your granddad's clothes, I look incredible."



 

  * Using Barbara's chair wheels as nutcrackers is highly unhygienic, and besides, brings up too many bad memories of that night when Wally West fell asleep on the floor with his hands stretched out.



 

  * Speaking of Wally West, somebody tell him that the next time he refers to himself, Roy Harper, Barbara, and Koriand'r as "Dick's Firecrotches" he's getting kicked out of the house. _(Edit: Especially since two of those are my firecrotches now. -Jason) (Edit: When they're with you, it doesn't have the same double-double innuendo to it, though. Ah, the nonexistent benefits of being named "Dick." -Steph)_



 

  * Nobody may attempt to air-surf on Conner Kent's or Kara Danvers' backs any more.



 

  * Jason, please stop taking elaborately arranged selfies with the bodies of the thugs you've killed. Just...please.



 

  * Rigging my phone to play "Untitled Self Portrait" and "Who's the (Bat)Man" in the middle of a Justice League mission was not funny, Barbara, Tim; because the rest of the League was so busy laughing they would've let our perp get away if he hadn't been busy laughing too.



 

  * As a matter of fact, just keep the Lego Batman references to a minimum around the Joker, he already finds it too amusing for my comfort. And no, it's because I worry about his overly complicated plans, not because I worry about getting caught in an I-love-you-more-I-hate-you-more spiral. Naturally.




	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a little shorter than usual, so I'm going to make up for it with some shameless self-promotion.
> 
> If you like this kind of sillyness, and also like Young Justice (the animated show, not the comic), I recommend you read my one-shot Work & Pleasure. 
> 
> If you like fics with a little more seriousness, drama, and with more of a general Batman comic flavor to them while keeping the romance, family bonding, and dash of humor, I recommend you stay alert for my upcoming-very-soon multichapter fic, Roots. Feel free to ask more details about either of these fics in the comments.
> 
> But enough about me. On with the update!

  * If I am standing or sitting at the top of a high building on a stormy night, none of you are allowed to come up behind me and make silly faces. 



 

  * When Jason disappears, it means he wants to be left alone, and that nobody (but ESPECIALLY not Dick or Tim) should go looking for him with magnets or metal detectors "to pick up on all the guns."



 

  * But Jason, when you come back, please explain why you have playlists on your phone with titles like "music to shoot bad guys to," "music to commit arson to," and "Selena's Greatest Hits." _(Edit: Honestly, I think the last one is pretty self-explanatory. -Duke)_



 

  * Aren't there better ways to show your love for your significant other than playing "OK 2 B Gay" at top volume on your phone while out on a date?



 

  * Please stop hiding Tim's belongings in other people's underwear drawers.



 

  * _Does anyone know why Barbara has a collection of off-brand Killer Moth panties? I asked Dick and he just looked like I killed his puppy. -Tim_



 

  * Disney song lyrics are not to be screamed out while fighting villains. Even if the villains join in.



 

  * Duke has been here for months now. Please stop trying to trick him into doing anything that you claim is "a part of being in the family." And that includes your share of the chores.



 

  * Singing the nine verses worth of insulting dirty lyrics to the tune of the '60s Batman theme song that you all made up in front of the rest of the Justice League is FORBIDDEN on pain of having to hand-wash and wax the Batmobile AND the Batwing. I do not CARE how impressed they'll be that three of the verses aren't in English. 



 

  * To add on to that, not only do everyone else now have to hand-wash and wax the Batmobile and the Batwing, but Stephanie now has to do the same on her own to the best limousine for that last verse she made up on the spot. _(Edit: Totally. Worth. It. -Steph)_



 

  * Batarangs are to be thrown at criminals, not the paparazzi.



 

  * Why would any of you think that getting into an eating contest with the Wests and Allens was a good idea? Cassandra, darling, I know that you were the smart one here and the only one that actually won anything, but you need to give everyone their betting money back. _(Edit: No. -Cass)_



 

  * Date night can no longer be on at the same night as your turn to patrol. 



 

  * Neither can skipping-the-actual-date-and-making-out-on-rooftops night. 



 

  * All of you, stop bringing up Selina as your counter-argument. 



 

  * Dick is not allowed to advise anyone on potential costume designs. Ever.



 

  * Whoever painted "Buttmobile" on the back of the Batmobile with red spray-paint is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Jason is grounded.



 

  * The list of vehicles Damian is not allowed to operate without Dick's, Alfred's, or my supervision has been updated to include military-grade helicopters, Martian bio-ships, tanks, the Invisible Jet, and Razor scooters.



 

  * Stephanie is not allowed to put nail polish of any color on Titus's claws.



 

  * Or Alfred the Cat's.



 

  * Or Batcow's hooves.



 

  * No, I do not have a Kryptonite rifle. Or Kryptonite grenades. Or a Kryptonite cannon. But nobody tell Conner that; he's been getting far too "comfortable" with Tim during our get-togethers with the Kents.



 

  * Leslie Thompkins says to tell you all that almonds are now forbidden from her medical bay.



 

  * On a related note: NO MATTER HOW BORED YOU ARE, ALMONDS ARE FOOD, NOT PROJECTILES, DAMIAN.



 

  * Jason, if you must use my expensive rugs to wrap up dead bodies, please don't use the family heirlooms. Use the ones Talia keeps sending me for my birthday instead.



 

  * Quoting The Incredibles while mid-battle is now forbidden. Suddenly yelling "NO CAPES!" at Karen Starr, Kara Danvers, or any of the Kents is just a guarantee of another building getting torched with heat vision.



 

  * While going on an out-of-town mission, please read the dossiers beforehand so we can avoid the Justice League's PR department having to explain why we captured the wrong base again. 



 

  * No, every weapon can NOT be improved by making it into a bayonet.



 

  * None of you may re-enact scenes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine in Dick's workplace; no matter how funny he thought the Monty Hall incident was. The Bludhaven police department is barely functional WITHOUT someone screaming "BONE!" in the doorways every few minutes.



 

  * That goes for the Gotham police department too. Memo to me: call Jim and tell him to stop laughing when they do things like this.



 

  * Secretly registering each other for ultimate trick-skiing competitions is forbidden. 



 

  * Duke, Cass, you're no longer allowed to teach Damian and Tim how to dance. I applaud you for trying to prevent more socialites' toes from getting stepped on, but the the six broken tables, scuffed floor, ripped carpet, shattered window, and the gardener's wrath over the glass in the rhododendrons just weren't worth it.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an actual canon comic panel (that I now cannot find for the life of me) in which Barbara mentions that she had a crush on Killer Moth at one point, because she apparently found his voice attractive. I am not making this up, I swear to you.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an apology for this chapter taking so long, I decided to make it special. In this case, a road trip special! And I can honestly say that if this inspires any of you to write a regularly-formatted fic about the Batfamily on a road trip, I will be able to die happy.
> 
> Also, I have the first two chapters up of my new long fic, Roots, in case any of you want to check that out.

  * When we go on our trip to Smallville this week to visit the Kents, I trust you all to keep it relatively civilized and well-behaved. I will update this notice board on a notebook during our trip, and will put all those notes on this board upon our return. If I happen to set down or misplace my notebook, please do not graffiti it in any way. 



 

Bruce Wayne's Misbehavior Notebook

 

  * [extremely crude doodle of Tim & Dick with mustaches, Damian with devil horns, Duke looking confused, and the Batgirls with angel wings & halos]



 

  * Jason, I told you not to graffiti this book.



 

  * I will be the only person driving on this trip. Alfred will be the only person seated shotgun. Tim & Damian will never sit next to each other. Cassandra and Stephanie will never not sit next to each other. All of this is non-negotiable. 



 

  * None of you may yell out the windows at the people on the road about our limousine versus their minivans.



 

  * You may especially not allow Damian yell out the windows at the people on the road, no matter what speed they're going in what lane. 



 

  * We cannot use our toll money to buy slushies, no matter how thirsty you are.



 

  * Each of you is limited to one hour at a time with the aux cord. 



 

  * Arm-wrestling contests over the aux cord are now banned.



 

  * Slap-fights over the aux cord are now also banned.



 

  * Fistfights over the aux cord are especially banned. 



 

  * [stick-figure doodle of Batman with a speech bubble that says "I am vengeance. I am the night. I am a killjoy!"]



 

  * Twenty Questions cannot have anything related to sex or genitals as the final answer. 



 

  * This car is now limited to ONE bathroom break EVERY THREE HOURS, and that is IT.



 

  * Jason and Stephanie are no longer allowed to buy the snacks at pit stops. 



 

  * If any of you going to use a cape as a blanket when you take a nap, make sure it's your own first. If you don't have a cape, borrow mine. 



 

  * None of you can borrow my cape as a blanket ever again. FIFTEEN ketchup packets spilled in TEN minutes. FIFTEEN. 



 

  * Tim, no, we cannot take hour-long detours to any national landmarks just for you to take pictures. The world's largest balls of twine or earwax or whatever are just going to have to wait.



 

  * The rest of you, please stop making "world's largest balls" jokes.



 

  * Titus can never be brought along on another road trip unless you can all remember to not feed him any fast food next time. 



 

  * Please don't play or sing along or dance in your seat to any songs explicitly about sex. 



 

  * I DID NOT INTEND FOR THAT LAST POINT TO BE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU ALL TO COMPETE IN, AND YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN THAT.



 

  * I will not be paying for any of your Starbucks orders after the fourth time we stop there.



 

  * When playing I Spy, please refrain from saying that you spy "a little bitch," "an asshole," or "a total piece of shit" in reference to your siblings.



 

  * [surprisingly artistic doodle of a passing car with a yellow Labrador sticking its head out the window; right next to an equally artistic doodle of Tim with stink lines coming out of his head]



 

  * When we stop at convenience stores at odd hours, please try not to issue death threats to innocent clerks or sit in the shopping carts. 



 

  * Neither of the pairs of significant others may share a room when we stop at a motel for the night. 



 

  * Neither of the pairs of significant others may sneak into each other's rooms, either. 



 

  * No matter how annoying they're being, we still cannot strap any of your siblings to the roof. Not even with your super-enhanced work ropes. 



 

  * Weapons may not be brought out just because your sibling doesn't want to share their french fries. 



 

  * If you've downloaded any movies onto your computers or phones, you're required to watch them with headphones; particularly if they involve clowns. 



 

  * I'm glad you're all finally not arguing anymore about the music, but must you really roll down the windows while screaming ALL the lyrics to ALL the songs on the Lego Batman soundtrack? At top volume?



 

  * Please don't disturb Alfred while he's napping or reading.



 

  * **You're the only person who's disturbed by the children's behavior, Master Bruce. And after all these years raising them, I'm astonished that you still manage to be.**



  * [extremely crude doodle of Alfred smiling with a halo]



 

  * I suppose if you're going to keep singing Lego Batman songs, you all should just be sensible and let the Batgirls sing Barbara's solo without interruptions. 



 

  * Stop suggesting that we pick up shady-looking hitchhikers.



 

  * This car is now limited to ten stops at the drive-thru per day.



 

  * If you end up getting swindled by your siblings over cheeseburgers or milkshakes, it's all your own faults for setting up six different barter systems for your fast food. Besides, I imagine that Dick's offer to not talk at all for an entire patrol was just too good to resist.



 

  * The next time Damian falls asleep on Duke's, Dick's, or Cass's shoulder, do not take any more pictures of him. 



 

  * When we arrive at the Kents', please figure out an order for the bathroom in a civilized manner.



 

  * Never mind. Just try not to get blood on the Kents' floor. 



 

  * Do not engage in any sort of way with Alfred's and Martha's passive-aggressive baking war. 



 

  * SOMEBODY TELL CONNER TO PUT A DAMN SHIRT ON.



 

  * Assume at all times that I will know when you try to sneak off to the barn with your significant other. Jason's angry about being the only one to have to leave his at home, and he will most certainly snitch on you.



 

  * Krypto and Titus cannot be walked together under any circumstances.



 

  * Please take your complaints about being in the country instead of the city to Clark, not me. 



 

  * Always compliment Martha's cooking. Always. 



 

  * [several small doodles of chickens, pies, and Clark hugging a grumpy-face Bruce with a pageful of hearts]



 

  * When we leave, remember that there's a limit to how many pies we can transport in the trunk.



 

  * All the rules from before apply on the trip back. 



 

  * [doodle of a smiling cartoon bat surrounded by lots of smiling robins and smiling smaller bats]



 

  * (I really hope nobody gets the idea to start drawing on the notice board when we get home.)




	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry I've left this alone for so long. For a long time, I was constantly busy, and running dry on inspiration for it. And I'm also sorry to add that I doubt I'm going to be able to update this as often as I did before. But I /will/ try to keep updating it nonetheless, and find more time to write in general. I won't abandon you guys without a word again. 
> 
> On a happier note: Tim will be coming back to the main continuity soon, and so has canon Dick/Barbara. It's not ideal circumstances, but it's a step back in the right direction, and that does make me happy.
> 
> Also: JUSTICE LEAGUE COMES OUT IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS! SO DOES THOR: RAGNAROK AND TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW ALBUM! THE LAST JEDI IS JUST THE MONTH AFTER THAT! Feel free to scream about any of that along with me!

  * Just because it’s been a fairly uneventful few months, does not mean you get to go out into the East End with a megaphone and yell for criminals to meet you “for an ass-kicking.”



 

  * Snide comments about my bank account whenever we are able to obtain anything for free are completely unnecessary.



 

  * Please stop stealing my credit card to buy fast food on patrol. I think Selina’s getting inspired.



 

  * While we are at galas, the older ones of you are now responsible for keeping the younger ones away from the champagne. The younger ones of you are now responsible for keeping the older ones away from both the platters of mini-desserts and their significant others/available coat closets.



 

  * Piggyback rides across rooftops make us appear unprofessional. No matter how cute Damian looks barely poking over his older siblings’ heads, Dick.



 

  * Giving each other wedgies while we’re attempting to interrogate criminals also makes us appear unprofessional; I do not care how curious you are about how your brother sounds when he shrieks.



 

  * Whoever put beef jerky in the pockets of Jason’s jackets and gave them to Ace is preemptively grounded. 



 

  * Tim is grounded.



 

  * Do not try to prank your siblings by pretending that they’ve turned invisible. In our line of work, they might just take it seriously.



 

  * “Get a Cave” is not a good response when you see a family member being affectionate with their significant other(s). I have a lot of important things down there, and a worrying amount of them have semi-horizontal surfaces.



 

  * Damian, from now on, whenever you go to school, you will be subjected to a mandatory weapons check.



 

  * Damian, how did you manage to sneak so many weapons onto your person? _(Edit: I learned it from you, Father. -Damian)_



 

  * If you find a three-year-old can of soda under the couch, you throw it away, YOU DO NOT DARE JASON TO DRINK IT. _(Edit: I already died, c’mon, at this point I’m practically invincible. -Jason) (Edit: I died twice, so…not how it works. -Cass)_



 

  * Please, please, please, for the love of god, stop quoting that line from that Taylor Swift song.



 

  * _I’m sorry, the old Steph, Cass, Dick, Tim, Jason, and Damian can’t come to the phone right now…why? OH, 'CAUSE THEY’RE DEAD. -Steph (Edit: You guys are seriously worrying me. -Duke)_



 

  * Physical activities that involve a lot of running around are not allowed outside the grounds or the training rooms. This includes but is not limited to: pickup basketball with Tim’s dirty laundry, fencing with real swords, obstacle courses, parkour tag, and dodgeball with those flaming metal spheres the Amazons lent us.



 

  * Nerf guns are no longer allowed within fifty yards of the Manor.



 

  * _Please don’t tease Dick anymore about his past hairdos and costumes. (Edit: Just because you didn’t sign this doesn’t mean we don’t all know this is you, Dick. -Tim)_



 

  * Feeding the bats extra is generally a bad idea. Lacing the bats’ food with laxatives while your siblings left their belongings lying around the Cave is both mean and very difficult to clean up.



 

  * Barbara, when people come to you asking for technology assistance, please stop responding with “have you tried turning it off and on again.”



 

  * Tim is strictly forbidden from trying to patent a coffee with more than the usual amount of caffeine.



 

  * You cannot tell random children on the street that if they’re not careful, Batman’s going to steal them in the middle of the night and make them fight crime. Usually it makes them cry, but that McGinnis boy and that Kelly girl looked far too excited about the possibility, and I’m honestly not sure which is worse.



 

  * Please stop pointing in the display windows of sex shops while you’re on patrol with Nightwing and saying “that’s you.” We still have secret identities to preserve.



 

  * Breakfast is for eating, not for surreptitiously throwing at your siblings because they annoyed you on patrol the previous night. Alfred still hasn’t gotten that waffle off the ceiling.



 

  * Getting tied up by villains is not an excuse to make BDSM jokes. “Fifty Shades of Grayson/Cain/Jay” are all both inappropriate and overdone.



 

  * Yes, I will be letting Duke fly the Batwing before he gets his pilot’s license too. You know I believe in learning on the job. I don’t understand why you all suddenly don’t want to set foot in the Batwing now that you know this.



 

  * When hitching a ride with a flying alien or one of the Amazons, please don’t sing “A Whole New World” anymore.



 

  * Damian is NOT the child from The Omen. Please stop implying this to strangers.



 

  * Nobody may send their friends to take their place in family meetings anymore, even if you have a good excuse for not being there. Dinah not only failed to get us the blueprints we needed from City Hall’s online database, she somehow managed to set the entire Batcomputer on fire. From now on, we’ll just email each other the information.



 

  * Jason, the correct response to “smoking kills” is not “good.” My god. _(Edit: That’s it Jason, I’m sending both you and Tim to therapy. -Dick) (Edit: Jason’s and Tim’s therapist is going to have to hire a therapist after listening to them. -Steph)_



 

  * Dick and Barbara do not count as permission when you're trying to start events like eating contests and sock races through the portrait gallery.



 

  * I’ve seen the list, I know that you all ranked the members of the Justice League from best to worst, and I have no problem with that in theory…but why did all of you rank Diana first, and me twenty-fifth, THREE PLACES BEHIND HAL _(Edit: I told you guys we should’ve hidden the list at my place. -Babs)_



 

  * We are not bribing Lucasfilm to leak us the new Star Wars trailer early.



 

  * I already know what you’re all going to ask in advance. No. You may not dress as Green Lantern again for Halloween this year. You may, however, dress as any other member of the League, provided that your portrayal of Green Arrow is sufficiently mocking.




	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BATMAN/CATWOMAN WEDDING IS A GO EVERYBODY!
> 
> I had a couple requests for more Selina, so thank you DC for giving me the perfect excuse.

  * Dick, I’m glad that you support my and Selina’s decision to get married, but when I say we’re keeping it in the family for now, that does NOT mean posting the news to every single social media page you have and calling everyone you know. You’ve already been on the phone with Wally for twenty minutes, for god’s sake.




 

  * On a related note, are not letting Harley Quinn plan my wedding. Her more low-key ideas include releasing a cloud of butterflies after the vows, gilding all the decorations with gold and jewels, and conducting the wedding in space with Wonder Woman as the officiant. _(Edit: Diana says she’d be happy to be the officiant. -Kate)_




 

  * We are also not inviting any members of the superhero community that do not have my explicit approval. _(Edit: But the Green Lanterns are our dumbass uncles. -Jason) (Edit: You have to invite Ted and Dinah because they’re my best friends, and they’ll be super pissed if you don’t invite Booster Gold or the rest of the Arrows. -Babs) (Edit: Dick already invited all his friends yesterday while he was on the phone with them. -Steph)_




 

  * Fine, fine, we’ll just invite everyone, are you happy? _(Edit: No. We still haven’t invited MY friends yet. -Selina)_




 

  * Dick, you need to take the thirty-seven cereal bowls upstairs OUT of your room, the shower, my office, Damian’s room, and the library, and put them IN the dishwasher.




 

  * Tim, I’ve noticed that you’ve been leaving pamphlets with titles like “So Your Partner Is An Unnatural Freak Who Has Existential Crises” lying around the house. A) Who writes these things, and B) do I need to have Clark talk to Conner?




 

  * Harper, your brother can not be allowed back in the Cave, no matter how cool he finds all our suits and gadgets. He’s been using the Batcomputer to watch anime again. _(Edit: But now he’s going to watch anime at our house! -Harper)_




 

  * We are not referring to Mr. Freeze as Dr. Freeze. If we do, we’re going to have to start referring to our other rogues as Dr. Poison Ivy, Dr. Scarecrow, Dr. Man-Bat, and Dr. Harley Quinn, and quite simply we do not have the time. _(Edit: I never realized how many villains with higher education we had before. -Duke) (Edit: Yeah, you’d think grad schools would do a better job of screening these people out. -Tim)_




 

  * Using the microwave in the middle of the night when I’m sleeping, i.e. between five and eight in the morning, is now forbidden.




 

  * Can all of you, for once, let me listen to the stations I like on the Batmobile radio?




 

  * Posting makeup tutorials to YouTube is fine. Posting multiple makeup tutorials on how to cover various kinds of scars and bruises is too suspicious, and I think Child Protective Services is about to contact me again.




 

  * Nobody invite Jason or Barbara to go see “It” with them, even as a joke, if you value your lives and limbs at all.




 

  * Selina, I love you very much, and I’m sorry, but Walk of Shame breakfast parties in the Manor kitchen can not be allowed to continue. I can’t handle Barbara, Roy, Koriand’r, Conner, and Stephanie all hanging around my house in their underwear and talking about my children like that anymore. If you want to discuss sex, can you please keep it between you and your friends?




 

  * Harley just called me and gave me a half-hour long quiz on whether what Selina had told her was true. I had to block her number. It’s still better than the breakfast parties.




 

  * Damian, please tell your friends what I told you: weapons are not permitted outside the Cave, the grounds, or the gym. And yes, tell Maya that invisibility suits do count, as demonstrated in your last game of hide-and-seek.




 

  * Whoever let Goliath off his leash and fly away over the city during rush hour is preemptively grounded.




 

  * Stephanie is grounded.




 

  * Stop taking pictures of me when I sneeze and emailing them to the rest of the Justice League.




 

  * Or to Lucius Fox.




 

  * We are not letting the Amazons recruit our Cassandra, no matter how worryingly happy Diana, Donna, the other Cassie, and Artemis seemed when they came up with the idea. _(Edit: I don’t want my sister to go either, but good luck trying to stop them if they’ve already made up their minds. -Jason)_




 

  * Someone please, I beg of you, come up with a plan to appeal to the Amazons not to take your sister. She’s the only child I have that makes me want to put my eyes out less than sixty percent of the time.




 

  * Queen Hippolyta has officially decreed: “Cassandra, daughter of Barbara, may keep her status as a resident of Man’s World, but will visit Themyscira yearly as an honorary Amazon during the week-long Feast of the Goddesses.” Whenever that is.




 

  * Diana has just informed me that the Feast of the Goddesses is the week of my birthday. I hate that any the Amazons would defeat me if I tried to fight them over this.




 

  * There absolutely will not be any more mattress-surfing down the stairs while I’m hosting a formal party, no matter how boring it is. You especially may not surf down the stairs, run over to the table, grab all the best foods, and run away.




 

  * Please stop giving Selina all those “Wicked Stepmother” mugs and t-shirts and engraved plaques, no matter how funny she finds them.




 

  * Do not question the fact that I have files on every single one of you. They are definitely not in the event that any of you should be brainwashed or possessed into being evil again. I definitely do not have contingency plans for all of you in that case. I also definitely do not have all your favorite candies on file for in case you get hungry on patrol. Why would I need to do any of that.





	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy haunting, everybody.

  * For the last time, we are not throwing a joint engagement party for me and Selina and the lead characters from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.



 

  * I said no to the joint engagement party, stop trying to sneak Andy Samberg and Melissa Fumero onto the guest list. I know what you’re up to.



 

  * I understand sometimes it’s difficult to remember to dispose of the needles for your hormone shots, but first thing in the morning after a long night fighting killer mimes and having just taken off my armor, it’s hard for me to look where I’m going, so could you all at least remember to keep your T and E shots off the floor? _(Edit: Sorry. -Cass) (Edit: Sorry. -Duke) (Edit: Sorry. -Tim)_



 

  * When obtaining candy for trick-or-treaters, it’s essential to not only buy the full-sized chocolate bars and account for allergies, but also to make sure it’s not from a candy company that one of our rogues has currently poisoned the stock of.



 

  * Yes, Scooby Doo movies and Hocus Pocus are perfectly appropriate to watch with Damian’s friends and Dick’s friends’ children. The Exorcist ABSOLUTELY is NOT. _(Edit: Lian saw Hocus Pocus last year and I had to explain what a virgin was to her, so this one’s kind of up for debate. -Jason)_



 

  * Any sort of horror movies with aliens are especially out, because whenever one of the human characters get abducted by or put into any kind of suggestive position with the aliens, Stephanie tends to point at Jason and/or Tim and say “That’s you.” _(Edit: She sometimes does it to Grayson too. -Damian) (Edit: Whether she does depends on whether Barbara’s in the room or not. -Cass)_



 

  * Nobody, and I mean nobody, is allowed to dress up as a skeleton, ghost, or zombie.



 

  * Please do not brutally attack anyone dressed like a villain tonight if they are under four feet tall, just to be safe.



 

  * Pumpkin carving is fine. Carving the faces of every single one of the Justice League into dozens of pumpkins and leaving them on the front steps is less fine, because now no one can get in or out. I do appreciate the unpleasant expressions you put on a certain some of the Leaguers, though.



 

  * Also, do not carve pumpkins with deliberately ugly faces, then show them to your siblings and say “this is you” anymore.



 

  * Helping Alfred get the garden in order before tonight, of all things, should not be an ordeal. When he says “Pick up that big hoe,” it should go without saying that you pick up the tool, NOT your brother.



 

  * We are not hosting a family seance.



 

  * We are especially not hosting a family seance where we attempt to contact each others’ murdered spirits.



 

  * Do not tell small children that Alfred the Cat is a witch’s familiar.



 

  * Do not use your friends/partners with meta powers to further convince small children that you are witches, either.



 

  * JASON, NO, YOU MAY NOT DECORATE YOUR GRAVE WITH A PLASTIC SKELETON OR ZOMBIE COMING OUT OF IT.



 

  * Squirt guns are not allowed on this property after Labor Day from now on.



 

  * I do not want to know where or from what Artemis and Bizarro got that real blood “for decorating and costumes,” but they need to get it out of the house NOW.



 

  * Dick, this is THE LAST TIME you trail around after Jason and Roy when they’re together singing that Lonely Island song. As it is, I’m NEVER going to get “It’s not gay when it’s in a three-way, with a Kori in the middle there’s some leeway” out of my head.



 

  * Also Dick, please pick a different costume than another one of those eye-searing “sexy” ones. Unfortunately, I still haven’t forgotten the Black Canary getup from last year. _(Edit: I liked the Black Canary getup. -Babs)_



 

  * Tim, please pick a different costume than one of your regular outfits as “the physical manifestation of depression and anxiety.”



 

  * Stephanie, please pick a different costume than one of my Batsuits dyed pink and sewn over with sequins.



 

  * I had better not catch any of you attempting to summon “Damian’s demon relatives” with a Ouija board again.



 

  * Barbara, please, please, please, I beg of you, take down that thirty-year-old Halloween picture of me dressed as the lead from The Rocky Horror Picture Show from the Batcomputer screen. I apologize many, many times over for video-calling your hotel room last week after you warned me not to.



 

  * And Harper, Tim, I apologize for initially suspecting the two of you of installing that picture.



 

  * The big bowls of candy are for the trick-or-treaters, not for you.



 

  * I can’t believe I have to say this, but none of you should attempt to jump-scare each other while the person in question is cleaning their weapons.



 

  * Whoever instigated Barbara’s and Jason’s drinking contest with pumpkin-spice Bailey’s last night is preemptively grounded.



 

  * Duke is grounded.



 

  * This is addressed to all of you, but mostly to Duke and Cass: just because one of your siblings gets in trouble more often than you do, does not mean you get to throw them under the bus too when you mess up, because that inevitably leads to a group round of bus-throwing. It’s very difficult to learn who ate each other’s candy, drank each other’s alcohol, had sex in the Batmobile, broke the gym floor again, tried to keep frogs in the toilet, and told Vicki Vale that I thought Superman was cooler than Batman when you’re all yelling it at me at once.



 

  * Please come home from your Halloween parties relatively sober and with nobody impregnated.



 

  * Damian, you and your friends please come home from trick-or-treating without having maimed anyone.



 

  * Alfred has...betrayed me.



 

  * My children have all betrayed me too.



 

  * **Since Master Bruce is still sulking in his room upstairs, I will be happy to take all of you young masters and mistresses to your various festive engagements today. Especially since you all complimented and congratulated me so warmly on my Green Lantern Costume.**



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody’s final costumes:
> 
> Alfred: Green Lantern  
> Bruce (once he stopped sulking): Superman (it was a terrible dollar-store costume, just to annoy Clark)  
> Selina: Felicia Hardy  
> Kate: James Bond  
> Barbara: Princess Leia (she sewed it herself)  
> Dick: drag queen (Bruce just gave up with him)  
> Cass: the Winter Soldier  
> Jason: slapped on a pair of cat ears and called it a night  
> Steph: Captain America  
> Tim: Mr. Spock  
> Duke: Gandalf  
> Damian: Stitch


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [buries my face in my hands] I am the WORST. I really, genuinely intended to have something for this in time for Thanksgiving, but school and homework took over my life and now I haven’t updated in over a month. I am so sorry. Again.
> 
> School should ease up and then I go on break next Thursday, and I really will work on my writing more in the next few weeks. Including on this. 
> 
> Anyway, here’s your very late dose of nonsense.

  * Yes, it is too early to get a Christmas tree, and no, we will not be cutting down our future tree with Amazon weaponry, constructs from the Lanterns’ rings, Victor’s cannons, or any of the Kents’ heat vision. 



 

  * I don’t care if you don’t want to eat the very last of the Thanksgiving leftovers, you still can’t go feeding them to the cow.



 

  * From now on, if anyone’s idea makes Damian laugh to himself for more than five seconds, it’s not allowed. 



 

  * And if anyone’s idea makes Selina or Jason grin, it’s also not allowed and probably also illegal. 



 

  * For the love of god and all else that’s holy, find some other way to express your distaste at your siblings having loud sex OTHER THAN BROADCASTING THE NOISES OVER THE INTERCOM. You’re not only begging for payback, you’re giving ME even more trauma. 



 

  * Barbara, please ask the other Birds of Prey to stop referring to you and Dinah Lance as “Mom and Mom” while on the job. 



 

  * Barbara, I did not mean getting them to start referring to Dinah, you, and Dick as “Mom, Mom, and Dad.”



 

  * Those of you under the age of twenty-one are not allowed to go anywhere with Booster Gold or any of the Lanterns (except maybe John Stewart) without a chaperone. 



 

  * Skeets does not count as a chaperone. 



 

  * Tim, tell Conner and Clark that I decline their offer to share Hanukkah with us this year, because I know for a fact they light the shamash with their heat vision and I don’t want to risk that with my mother’s menorah. 



 

  * Do not suggest eating Jerry for Christmas dinner this year, unless you want a repeat of the Thanksgiving Turkey & Swords Incident. 



 

  * Stop teaching Damian inappropriate slang phrases and telling him that they have benign meanings or I WILL make guilty parties wash and wax the Batmobile. Stephanie, this is most recently about you, and how you convinced him that “to bust a nut” meant “to get angry” and I got my two hundredth and first call from the Gotham Academy principal. 



 

  * Whoever spray-painted “This Space For Rent” over the ass of Dick’s suit is preemptively grounded. 



 

  * Jason is grounded. 



 

  * Jason is now doubly grounded due to coming into my house wearing a t-shirt with Guy Gardner on it. _(Edit: Totally worth it. -Jason) (Edit: Tim, you got a picture of the face Bruce made when he saw that shirt, right? -Steph)_



 

  * Nobody give Damian any more Artemis Fowl books, he identifies with them too much for my comfort.



 

  * I’m not paying for any of you to see any more Marvel movies unless you all stop referring to Loki as “Jeff Goldblum’s twink.” Though talking about all your crushes on Valkyrie and Thor is still allowed.



 

  * On the subject of movies, you’re all cleaning up after the bats tonight because of when we went to see the Justice League movie today and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU kept cheering or snickering whenever one of the other Leaguers onscreen smacked around or embarrassed me. _(Edit: In our defense, bringing up Diana’s dead boyfriend was a really dick move, B. -Duke)_



 

  * No Damian, you may NOT have a hippopotamus for Christmas.



 

  * I’m too young to listen to you all discuss godparents for your hypothetical future children. 



 

  * But since I already heard most of that conversation...really? You’d trust some of those crazy friends of yours with my potential, hopefully-definitely-not-a-possibility-at-the-moment grandchildren?



 

  * Please reassure me again, is it certain that no one’s pregnant? 



 

  * You all need to stop encouraging those rumors that Batman’s secretly a vampire; last night I had two people come at me with a crucifix and a rope of garlic. And I don’t say “bleh bleh bleh.”



 

  * Any more debates over movie marathon night need to be resolved with WORDS, NOT WEAPONS. This is the literal twentieth time furniture has been ruined over what order to watch the Star Wars movies in.



 

  * Remember from now on to switch your coms off conference mode when calling me on League business with family emergencies. I really don’t need to deal with all the other Leaguers’ reactions to your shenanigans on top of dealing with the shenanigans themselves. 



 

  * Reading to Cass is okay. Forcing your reluctant brothers to act out all the parts with you, no matter how miserable they look when made to be a certain character, is just mean.



 

  * Pillow fights from now on need to not involve the expensive silk pillows.



 

  * I get that you get bored on stakeouts, but you still really need to stop playing ridiculous games like “most popcorn in mouth” or “most one-fingered push-ups with Damian sitting on your back” because it’s a really good way to let the perps get away.



 

  * Scratch that, I suppose that you did catch the perps, if only because they were too busy laughing at the sight of Tim and Stephanie with their cheeks stuffed with popcorn. 



 

  * Damian, screaming “DEATH TO THE CAPITALIST PIG-DOGS” and flipping the coffee table is not an appropriate reaction to losing at Monopoly.



 

  * The Watchtower is not installing a game room just because you get bored between meetings. 



 

  * The Watchtower is not installing a trampoline either, I don’t care that Clark and Diana already said yes.



 

  * The Watchtower is definitely not installing any bouncy castles. 



 

  * Please, nobody call Barbara “Steel On Wheels” anymore. And Dick, please don’t call her “Hot Wheels” anymore, even if she said you could.



 

  * The next person who messes with my voice modulator to make it sound like Batman inhaled a gallon of helium is spending their next ten training sessions with Big Barda coaching them. 



 

  * Duke, Tim, from now on, when going out on the Manor grounds, just listen to Alfred and wear snow pants, or your siblings are just going to keep trying to shove snow in your underwear.



 

  * Please keep your holiday gift lists semi-sensible this year. I’m not giving Tim any more coffee, or Damian any more swords, and I’m not giving anyone Joker’s head on a platter, so don’t bother asking. _(Edit: Damn. -Jason)_



 

  * Post-mission reports to me should never, ever again start out with “So let me explain…”




End file.
